Homeless man actually eats ass out of low flying duck

LOS ANGELES, USA – In a bizarre twist of fate for a now ass-less low flying duck; a Skid Row cardboard condominium owner has actually made good on a statement he proffered to a neighbour only minutes earlier.

Wesley Jackson; from the third row of boxes on the corner of 7th and Kent Streets was still trying to come to terms with the news that he’d actually bitten the entire ass off a low flying duck.

“Seriously dawg…I was just tellin my man ‘Off Milk’ that I was ravenous yo! And he asked me how hungry, and I said; I was so hungry I could eat the ass out of a low flying duck. Then outta nowhere comes a duck, and it was like instinct, man; I just bit.” Jackson said to a small group of reporters; still sporting some of the duck’s faecal matter across the right side of his face.

Jackson, within hours, had been offered work on a duck shooting range as some light entertainment for Dick Cheney when he visits; but he declined, claiming it would conflict with his crack habit. The duck, at this stage has not been located. flaccid

Study finds: Windsor hock shops supported almost entirely by stolen goods out of Suzuki Vitara’s.

MELBOURNE, AUS - A recent study has found that Windsor hock shops are supported almost entirely from the income generated through stolen goods sold by drug addicts, from the passenger side glove compartments of 1997 model Suzuki Vitara soft-tops, parked in the immediate backstreets on either side of Fitzroy Street, St Kilda.

The professor overseeing the study; Dr Rupert Gelkown, admitted there were a few slight variations to his findings, but was adamant the results were almost 100% accurate:

“Although there are slight differences in some findings; we have found that, other than the occasional Holden Barina when its doors are left unlocked…almost the entire turnover a hock shop generates is from the buying and selling of 1997 Vitara soft-top passenger side compartment items. It is rather uncanny.” flaccid

Local woman frantically waves away squeegee junkie, but hands over coins

VENICE BEACH, USA - A local Venice Beach woman was furious today after continuous attempts to stop a Station road squeegee junkie from wiping away the grime on her window, went unnoticed.

Fiona Gee was practically livid when, for the fourth consecutive time this week she was approached by what she has touted ‘the most fucking persistent bunch of crackheads with squeegees she has ever come across.

“I was waving my arms around like a complete fucking idiot. What’s worse is he told me he’d give me a free one; and then, once he’d finished he tapped on the window and waited for me to pay…fucking clapped out crackheads. Give a junkie a squeegee and all of a sudden he’s a window cleaning guru!” she explained to fiancé Martin Skwee later that evening. flaccid

No more BUSH special Election 08 coverage with Motiffa Jones

As a respected journalist and citizen of the United States of America flaccid US correspondent, political analyst, and part-time hoe for Denzel’s ‘Fifty First Avenue Philly’s - solicitation has never been more tempting’; Motiffa Jones, gives her take on the Democratic nomination...

I’m a woman...but in this situation, for me, it’s bro's before hoe's. There, it's settled. Obama wins by default. Now let's get the Hilldog back under her rock. I mean really, what has she done? Think about it. I'll wait…what? I never saw her in my village, trying to help me raise my child.

Now…where's Monica Lewinski? Do we know her people? I'm sure she's free. Her handbags didn't do well at all (I was at Bendel's Department Store...I know). Have you seen the Clinton's reaction to the mere mention of her name? I say…Obama; bring the be-i-atch up! She can't handle a question about a woman who chose to drool on her own dress; rather than swallow the spermatozoa of the leader of the free world...and Hilldog; you want my vote for president? No, no, no.

So…answer the question; does it taste bad? Wait a second...do you even know what it tastes like? We as voters have a right to know. The questions aren't going to get any easier… you think this is hard? Wait til the republicans have a go at cha; they are going to destroy you! Please don't give them the chance; you know they have dirt on you. When they go diggin they'll find Narnia has nothing on your closet!

I just don't know. I don't know why people like her. There…I said it. It's the infidelity thing, isn't it? Do you know how many women have had to pick up the pieces after some shit like that? If infidelity's the case; then my momma should be President. Wait, can you still be President if you've been arrested for knocking a hick redneck off of a bar stool with a six pack of Budweiser? Well…maybe my momma can't be President.

I mean people, c'mon, really…why do you like her? What has she ever done for you? Where the fuck was Hillary Clinton when we needed a fucking candidate four, even eight years ago? Twice you had the opportunity to save us…we would have voted for you each time. Obama would have voted for you. Where the fuck were you?

America voted a monkey in as president…twice! And now you have the audacity to attempt to take away the brightest beam of hope America could wish for. If you cared about this country at all you would step aside and support what we crave; what the world craves.

So, after all that, what did they do with Monica? Has anybody seen her? Is this fucked up or am I? I'll admit it; we Americans are fuckin stupid. But one thing we do know…in the case of this Democratic race; it's bro's before hoe's.

One more thing; I'd like to quote my dear Momma…

“I wouldn't vote for her…she's Menopausal”.

I'm Motiffa Jones