Homemade Harare Bubble’n’squeak

Ingredients

Preparation time 20 minutes, cooking time 35 minutes

1 onion, chopped

4 mushrooms, thinly cut

3 medium potatoes, peeled and chopped

a few bushy heads of broccoli, chopped

half a cob of corn, peeled

a medium carrot, cut

half a cup of peas

1 egg

olive oil

how to make it...

G: Hello boys and girls; welcome to another instalment of Cookin

B: Why the fuck are we in Zimbabwe?

G: We're cookin for Bob…the garbo. I was planning to put on a massive banquet…a huge feed.

B: Bob the garbo…so where did you meet this guy?

G: He's a regular at the pub. He fricken stinks, but he's so funny.

B: About as funny as a dictator masquerading as a democratically elected head of state?

G: What?

B: Forget it; inside joke. So tell me, does Bob often talk about his hatred for former colonial rulers?

G: What are you talking about? Bob's a fricken garbo…we talk about trends in the US stock market, and garbage and stuff.

B: Okay…let's see; how do I explain this one? Guv you're a fricken idiot!

G: What? Why?

B: You've just placed two pasty white members of the Commonwealth in to a country run by a racist, xenophobe skeezer; who happens to hate pasty white people…and the Commonwealth.

G: Hold up…ah; I was wondering how a garbo could afford such a palatial mansion.

B: Or that your mate at the pub also happens to live all the way over in Zimbabwe? By the way, 'mansion' should be plural; he's got about 5 now. So what's with the truck full of notes?

G: You're always talking about how it's good to get some local currency; so I had some moolah converted. Our dollar must be strong at the moment; that whole lot was $50US.

B: Our currency could be the second lowest in the world; but it'd still get you that truck full of Zimbabwean dollars. A huge feed hey…let's take that skuzzy old dump box down to the market and see what we get.

[Approximately 30 minutes later]

G: It looks like we'll be cookin something a little less extraordinary this week peeps. So Bam; what does a truck full of local moolah buy in this country?

B: 4 trillion Zimbabwean dollars allowed us to purchase 3 shrooms, a kernel of rank looking corn, about 41 peas, and an egg; which mind you, we had to chase out of the ass of a hen for 10 minutes. We dug up a couple of spuds from a now dilapidated former white owned farm…

G: And traded my last stick of Wrigley's for a cup of vegetable oil…although, for what we are going to cook; Bubble & Squeak, you can use olive oil at home.

B: We'll be cookin this 'Harare' style; which means over a curbside bonfire…most likely fuelled by the corpses of MDC supporters; but don't let the smell turn you off.

G: What's the MDC? Okay, so you need to start by boiling the potatoes until they're cooked. When they're ready mash them up and leave to the side.

B: It's a political party; the Movement for Democratic Change…they're the only credible threat to Mugabe's power.

G: And who's Mugabe; if he's not a garbo? Cut up the vegetables, and throw them to boil til they're tender then gently mash em with a fork.

B: Mugabe is about as evil as a photo of Bin Laden tea-bagging a resurrected Saddam Hussein; that's been lovingly splurged all over by George W himself. He was elected back in 1980; when Zimbabwe was considered by many as Africa's breadbasket. For the 28 years since, he's be pillaging the pockets of his people.

G: When the vegetables are all cooked; drop them into a large bowl and combine with the mashed potatoes. Add the egg, and mix it all together.

B: He turned a once prosperous country into one whose near on entire population fifty percent of which are now under the age of 18, and a good chunk orphans requires food aid to survive.

G: Why is he still in power?

B: He rigs a good election! He lost the last two, yet still managed to stay in power; with, if anything, more power. Even the current elections, of which he lost so emphatically, he still managed to rig a close enough result to demand a Presidential run-off.

G: Okay, grab yourself a ladle, and scoop a few spoonfuls of the mixture; dropping them into your hot oil. Turn them over occasionally, and pull them out once they're golden brown. That's it…all done.

B: About fricken time dude; I think the crew over there are war veterans…and they're watching us.

G: Aren't war veterans just old fuckers with a gripe?

B: Yeah…but in Zimbabwe; they can cash in on that gripe. Look they're coming over. Leave the food dude, someone will eat it. Just walk.

G: What's their gripe?

B: they're not big fans of the white land owning farmer; and considering we've been digging for spuds, and you're still parading around in those fuck ugly farmer galoshes means they could mistake us for a pair. Hopefully peeps, we'll see you next time…let's go Guv.

G: What's wrong with them thinking that?

B: Remember how you said your worst nightmare was being anally raped? Well bitch; you'll be having a Freddie Krueger moment if you don't move that pasty white ass.