“They had no idea a team of marauding vampire horses neighing uncontrollably while hoofing it down Hollywood Boulevard would scare anyone…”

It became apparent the following day that former television personality Mr Ed and several friends were known to have been the animals at the centre of what is being described as ‘Horse Fools gone wrong’.

“According to Ed it was just a harmless ‘DVD bonus feature’ prank that unfortunately resulted in the deaths of several people,” said local architect, and owner of Mr Ed; Wilbur Post. “They had no idea a team of marauding vampire horses neighing uncontrollably while hoofing it down Hollywood Boulevard would scare anyone; they’re just horses for fuck sake!”

Mr Ed suggested the blame may lay elsewhere: “if those hobo’s weren’t sleeping in that gutter, the Japanese tourists wouldn’t have tripped over them and fallen into the path of an oncoming bus…we can’t be blamed for that. It was just a little, relatively harmless mayhem that may have resulted in some deaths…what’s all the fuss? Willlbuurrrr!”

Sales for the soon to be released DVD of the famed show are now expected to skyrocket. Flaccid.

Above: Kobra Kai boss John Creese lays the law down to Mr Miyagi after his last casino indiscretion.

LOS ANGELES, USA – Local handyman Mr Miyagi is in trouble with the Kobra Kai casino again, according to reports emanating from the streets over the past few days.

“…Danielson could have been an Italian Chuck Norris…”

Sources close to Miyagi have said the reluctant karate teacher earlier today attempted to negotiate a deal with the notoriously shady Kobra Kai Casino boss John Kreese, in order to pay off the pokie debts he had accrued over several consecutive ‘saki’ binge nights at the casino. Those negotiations had “not gone well” suggested one of the sources.

Mr Miyagi had originally planned to place a large bet (using his Bonsai fused Marijuana plant side business) on former prodigy Daniel LaRusso to win in the upcoming ‘All Valley Karate Tournament’; using the winnings to pay off the Cobra Kai debt. However that idea failed to materialise when Miyagi learned that LaRusso had given up the fame associated with the legendary ‘crane’ position to become a career crackhead; living in a low budget trailer park with de-facto Ali and their three children.

“He was devastated at the time” said a close friend describing Mr Miyagi’s response to LaRusso’s situation, “he told me he felt ‘much pain’ upon discovering the kid was a junkie. He said ‘Danielson could have been an Italian Chuck Norris’ but was now no more than a ‘junkie scumbucket’.”

No details have yet emerged in relation to the negotiations that had ‘not gone well’, but it was rumoured that Miyagi may have been asked to hand over the keys to his beloved rice paper love shack. flaccid

“…it was like instinct, man; I just bit.”

Wesley Jackson; from the third row of boxes on the corner of 7th and Kent Streets was still trying to come to terms with the news that he’d actually bitten the entire ass off a low flying duck.

“Seriously dawg…I was just tellin my man ‘Off Milk’ that I was ravenous yo! And he asked me how hungry, and I said; I was so hungry I could eat the ass out of a low flying duck. Then outta nowhere comes a duck, and it was like instinct, man; I just bit.” Jackson said to a small group of reporters; still sporting some of the duck’s faecal matter across the right side of his face.

Jackson, within hours, had been offered work on a duck shooting range as some light entertainment for Dick Cheney when he visits; but he declined, claiming it would conflict with his crack habit. The duck, at this stage has not been located. flaccid

“Hopefully they’ll be trying to fuck my back just long enough for the wardens to arrive. Worst case scenario I walk out of prison with a new orifice”

Cole, who has a face that seems to contain all the features associated with a stereotypical felon, was unfortunately detained on Friday for an armed robbery offence on the basis of an identikit image put together from witness descriptions; an uncanny resemblance to Cole.

He now hopes the tattoo will ensure he is not anally raped, at least for the first week of his incarceration, “Hopefully they’ll be trying to fuck my back just long enough for the wardens to arrive. Worst case scenario I walk out of prison with a new orifice”.  flaccid

VANCOUVER, CAN – Tooth Fairy was today found guilty of 5’453’672 incidents of monetary deception, and a further 5’453’667 counts of violence occasioning actual bodily harm; in what will undoubtedly become the World’s largest fraud and violence case since the International meat board was sentenced for similar indiscretions.

“have you ever tried to pay for something in Canada with a NZ dollar? It’s fucking impossible…”

However, using the Meat board case as a point of reference, Fairy’s lawyers feel they may be able to clear their client, when they move from the state courts to the supreme court… a scenario that will surely rile most in the 3 to 7 year old demographic.

“If the meat lobby can get off for deceiving every person on the planet for 50+ years, while slaughtering billions of succulent, oft tender cows, pigs and the like… we should be able to get our client off. The bruising found on the bodies of each of the ‘supposed’ victims can be just as easily attributed to walking into a door, falling out of bed or self mutilation as it could to being bashed senseless with a metal wand, and a pair of lightweight knuckle dusters! Our client is a petite little fairy with nothing but love for her customers. The weapons originally found in her possession were for self protection; she is regularly abused, both verbally and physically.” Stated Fairy’s lawyer Peter Tree soon after the verdict had been handed down.

The decision to take the matter to the Supreme Court had 8 year old Tyler Dean of the Primary School Law Association (PSLA) seething;

“I cannot believe, after all the reports of short changing, coin laundering, and violence against so many… that these idiots think they’ll get Fairy off! She is forever trying to get out of houses, without leaving a cent, but when she’s spotted she either beats the shit out of you or goes and leaves New Zealand dollars… have you ever tried to pay for something in Canada with a NZ dollar? It’s fucking impossible… and there’s no point taking it to the bank, because you’ll only get back a few cents…”

A Supreme Court verdict is not expected for months. flaccid

:::…

“I pulled out this half eaten burger before any of those dero’s even realised I was in the fricken dumpster…they can have my scraps bitches!

Tensions between the local groups had been extraordinarily high for months; yet the flashpoint that triggered what has been called a ‘civil war’ of sorts, came about when Melbourne Freegan tourist Stevie Ownsacat threw a half consumed cup of Soy Chai latte out of a dumpster and onto homeless tourist John Reeks. Within hours mayhem had taken hold of the streets.

“It’s really scary,” said an unemployed Sydney student who had been seriously considering a permanent career move into the area, “I never realised Byron Bay was a war zone. How can I sunbake and drink coffee at local cafes when I’m forever paranoid a Freegan and a bum might come to blows over a bin located within metres of my person!””

Freegan community leader Lester Boefinkle felt negotiation was no longer an option: Fuck’em…I have every right to employ my alternative living strategies based on limited participation in the conventional economy and minimal consumption of resources. And anyway, I pulled out this half eaten burger before any of those dero’s even realised I was in the fricken dumpster…they can have my scraps bitches!”

A representative for the transients known simply as ‘Off Milk’ was quoted as saying something along the lines of “we’ll just eat’em…if it’s in a dumpster it’s rubbish right,” but this couldn’t be entirely verified due to a complete lack of verbal coherency.

The war is expected to extend throughout summer as both sides continue to strengthen numbers with the onset of warmer weather. Flaccid

Above: A heavily inebriated man plays the role of 'drunk jenga game board'. flaccid

:::…

Above: An image of cocaine addict Lil Mo the Husky/Labrador cross prior to his seven line night of debauchery. He was also earlier in the year caught sniffing crack at an off leash dog park. Image courtesy Las Vegas Drug Unit (LVDU). flaccid

Above: an image of Bradley, the supposedly, self named talking squirrel that has been freaking the fuck out of visitors to Manhattans’ Central park. flaccid