TEXAS, USA – A male looking a lot like Democratic running mate John Edwards addressed a Republican party rally earlier today wearing a George Bush mask. By the end of his speech, the man in the mask had the packed auditorium chanting “Democrats in, fanatically religious war mongering Republicans out!”

“When George started with ‘I am George, I can’t count to ten, and I haven’t read ‘Fetch the ball spot‘ I knew we were in for something big. He was so honest up there. But I must say, his skin was a little droopy… his whole face nearly fell off at one stage.”

Rally organiser and part-time rodeo clown with naturally enormous feet, Randy Aldatime, was confused yet agreed with the speech: “When George started with ‘I am George, I can’t count to ten, and I haven’t read ‘Fetch the ball spot‘ I knew we were in for something big. He was so honest up there. But I must say, his skin was a little droopy… his whole face nearly fell off at one stage.”

The man in the mask elaborated on a broad range of White House failures since the Republican party took office. From the lack of action on terrorism prior to 9/11, to the poor shape of the economy, and the misdirection of environmental choices. Completing each sentence with ‘that’s why I’m voting Democrat’.

Democratic running mate John Edwards who, by chance, happened to be answering press questions in an alleyway behind the stage only minutes after the mask wearer stepped away from the podium, was not at all shocked by the speech: “I always said ‘Dick, rule number 1 of ventriloquism… never let the doll out of your sight”

The rally was made up of Seventh Day Adventists, The Saudi Royal family, White Power clergy, a large group of people with white hats and big rubber finger-pointing hands, and Eugel the Norwegian hotdog vending monkey.

The real George W, dazed and confused with a noticeable lump on the back of his head; climbed out of a bin in the alleyway soon after. When questioned as to whether he could count to ten, the President shook his head and asked “does Spot get the ball?” flaccid

WASHINGTON, USA – George Bush announced yesterday a radical plan to stop global warming… by creating the worlds’ largest air-conditioner.

Up until this announcement, the Republican Party leadership had towed the line of ignorance, claiming that ‘Global Warming’ was nothing more than an environmentalist load of bollocks. This acknowledgement may have opened the floodgates of good fortune for the global population with Democrats talking up a renewal of Kyoto protocol discussions.

The idea supposedly came about soon after the President sat in on a Year 3 class of eight year old children at Talahassee Primary School, in Southern Texas late last week. The teacher began by asking the class whether they knew what ‘global warming’ was. Although George was first to raise his hand, the teacher picked Stuart Porter-Dean, 7 and a half, sitting at the back of the classroom. Porter-Dean, relating it to the time his parents took him to Mexico on one of their ‘fill your bottom Stuart’ runs, surmised that it was when the Earth starts to feel too hot and begins to sweat. The teacher followed up by asking Porter-Dean how he would stop ‘global warming’, whereby he came up with the idea of a huge air-conditioner.

In a press conference soon after Bush’s announcement, Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld conceded the idea was not actually the brainchild of the President, but that of little Stuart Porter-Dean. And following talks with the child’s father stated they would name the air-conditioner after Stuart.

“They name comets after people. For fucks sake, they even name cyclones! I just wanted my son to be rewarded for his idea.” Quipped Stuarts father Roger.

A start date for the construction of the STU-PD Air-Conditioner is yet to be finalised, but immediate plans are underway, with the appointment of a committee, which will include the concept creator Stuart Porter-Dean as the Chief Design Coordinator. Rumsfeld named Texas the home of the project, citing the environmental plus of using electricity surges from the local prison system to power the STU-PD Air-conditioner. flaccid

Flaccid News writer BAM gives his views on the result of the 2004 US Presidential election that saw George Bush voted in for a second term; ahead of Democratic nominee John Kerry.

The only conclusion gained from the 2004 US Presidential election is that just over half of the American voting population are backward, inbred trailer-trash fucks who obviously haven’t travelled outside their own county, let alone state… unless of course to appear on the Jerry Springer show.

What about Barbara, his cousin? Does she know the medication they give their son Billy Bob jnr is going to cost more under the Republicans?

More than half of the enrolled voters – some 57 million – decided it would be better to give a born again Christian puppet more time, than to allow a decorated former war hero with an astute mind and thoughtful ideology the opportunity to correct the mistakes of recent ultra-conservative US policy. Now just under half the US population as well as the rest of the world are going to have to endure another four years of the most corrupt American administration since the Nixon era.

Doesn’t Trailer owner Billy Bob from Pentivo, Utah realise his vote has jeopardised his $2 p/hour job cleaning shit off toilet seats at Randy’s Steakhouse? What about Barbara, his cousin? Does she know the medication they give their son Billy Bob jnr is going to cost more under the Republicans? Obviously not… but Billy Bob & Barbara unfortunately there is a little more to your vote than a drop in pay for cleaning up misdirected digested cow, or pills for inbreeding deformities…

Your vote and those of the ‘red states’ have just contributed to another four years of extreme volatility in the US and international economies. You have sped up the process of global warming… handed Ariel Sharon his own set of keys to the Palestinian lands, given Bin Laden another four years to plot shit in your backyard, and helped load the bomb that’ll be landing on Salib Husseini’s recent house extension in downtown Baghdad!

You are already disliked by almost an entire global population, now you’ve given George four more years to make us hate you. But you voted for Bush because he was going to protect you from terror… and that is why America, you’re fucked!

Billy Bob, you have had four years to watch this administration make the wrong decisions on everything, from leaving Afghanistan prematurely, to entering Iraq illegally, and negotiating with North Korea improperly. Your Commander in Chief, Billy is as stupid as you… and I know deep down you know you can’t even run your trailer let alone the Worlds largest economy. Yet you voted for George…

So where does that leave the USA? You are already disliked by almost an entire global population, now you’ve given George four more years to make us hate you. The gap in ideas, beliefs and direction between the globally aware coastal states, and the landlocked religious freakshow that is the Bush heartland will continue unabated. Fortunately 1460 days is all the constitution will allow George, although that is more than enough time for him to completely fuck America…BAM

WASHINGTON, USA – George W Bush was inaugurated for his second term in office on a day that saw not a single attempt to assassinate him.

“Of course I was surprised. It’s always the President who is doing good things that gets shot. We could have broken that trend today.”

Even with every police officer in the US flown into Washington for the event, it was still expected that there would be at least one attempt to assassinate the mentally challenged leader as he stepped from his limousine onto Pennsylvania avenue.

American Assassination Alliance (AAA) spokesman Jack Reichman put the lack of any real attempt on the Presidents life down to the wasted bullet mentality “It’s unfortunate, but some just don’t want to waste a bullet on George. JFK is still in our minds after all this time… in 50 years the only memory of George will be ‘the stupid guy that 57 million stupid people voted in for a second term’… who wants to waste a bullet on that?”

Mike Swiftchariot, organiser of the ‘please shoot our President society’ who had been picketing for any AAA members to step up and pot a shot, claimed he was dumbfounded that no attempt was made;

“Of course I was surprised. It’s always the President who is doing good things that gets shot. We could have broken that trend today.” flaccid

As a respected journalist and citizen of the United States of America flaccid US correspondent, political analyst, and part-time hoe for Denzel’s ‘Fifty First Avenue Philly’s – solicitation has never been more tempting’; Motiffa Jones, gives her take on the Democratic nomination…

I’m a woman…but in this situation, for me, it’s bro’s before hoe’s. There, it’s settled. Obama wins by default. Now let’s get the Hilldog back under her rock. I mean really, what has she done? Think about it. I’ll wait… what? I never saw her in my village, trying to help me raise my child.

“Twice you had the opportunity to save us… we would have voted for you each time. Obama would have voted for you. Where the fuck were you?”

Now… where’s Monica Lewinski? Do we know her people? I’m sure she’s free. Her handbags didn’t do well at all (I was at Bendel’s Department Store…I know). Have you seen the Clinton’s reaction to the mere mention of her name? I say… Obama; bring the be-i-atch up! She can’t handle a question about a woman who chose to drool on her own dress; rather than swallow the spermatozoa of the leader of the free world…and Hilldog; you want my vote for president? No, no, no.

So… answer the question; does it taste bad? Wait a second…do you even know what it tastes like? We as voters have a right to know. The questions aren’t going to get any easier! You think this is hard? Wait til the republicans have a go at cha; they are going to destroy you! Please don’t give them the chance; you know they have dirt on you. When they go diggin they’ll find Narnia has nothing on your closet!

I just don’t know. I don’t know why people like her. There… I said it. It’s the infidelity thing, isn’t it? Do you know how many women have had to pick up the pieces after some shit like that? If infidelity’s the case; then my momma should be President. Wait, can you still be President if you’ve been arrested for knocking a hick redneck off of a bar stool with a six pack of Budweiser? Well… maybe my momma can’t be President.

I mean people, c’mon, really… why do you like her? What has she ever done for you? Where the fuck was Hillary Clinton when we needed a fucking candidate four, even eight years ago? Twice you had the opportunity to save us… we would have voted for you each time. Obama would have voted for you. Where the fuck were you?

America voted a monkey in as president… twice! And now you have the audacity to attempt to take away the brightest beam of hope America could wish for. If you cared about this country at all you would step aside and support what we crave; what the world craves.

So, after all that, what did they do with Monica? Has anybody seen her? Is this fucked up or am I? I’ll admit it; we Americans are fuckin stupid. But one thing we do know… in the case of this Democratic race; it’s bro’s before hoe’s.

One more thing; I’d like to quote my dear Momma… “I wouldn’t vote for her… she’s Menopausal”. I’m Motiffa Jones