LONDON, ENG – Camden resident Martin Cole was so adamant he would one day be wrongfully convicted for a felony, that he had a tattoo of an asshole placed on the small of his back.

“Hopefully they’ll be trying to fuck my back just long enough for the wardens to arrive. Worst case scenario I walk out of prison with a new orifice”

Cole, who has a face that seems to contain all the features associated with a stereotypical felon, was unfortunately detained on Friday for an armed robbery offence on the basis of an identikit image put together from witness descriptions; an uncanny resemblance to Cole.

He now hopes the tattoo will ensure he is not anally raped, at least for the first week of his incarceration, “Hopefully they’ll be trying to fuck my back just long enough for the wardens to arrive. Worst case scenario I walk out of prison with a new orifice”.  flaccid

SYDNEY, AUS – A relatively stupid looking local bartender was heard yesterday pronouncing the ‘Moet’ of French champagne Moet & Chandon as ‘Mo-ee’. Upon hearing this, French woman Alina G responded by calling the relatively stupid bartender a “fucking philistine,” before loudly and drunkenly attempting to educate the “stupid, stupid idiot.” flaccid

RICHMOND, AUS – Shambling is back as the most common style of moving from point A to point B in the once thriving Melbourne suburb of Richmond; something not seen since back in the early days of the 20th century. The decision of locals to take on what was seen as an almost forgotten practice came when a mass infection – accidentally created by excessively persistent squeegee junkies – took hold of the area. flaccid

TEXAS, USA – A scientific study into the reasons why some men have exceptionally small,almost irrelevant penises found an intriguingly unexpected result. Of the 21,036 unfortunately endowed men taking part in the largest study of its kind; 99.95% had a pet American Staffordshire Pitbull with its testicles intact.
When one of the participants suggested their pitbull was actually an American Staffi, a scientist responded: “they’re the same thing little dick!” flaccid

NEW YORK, USA – The New York Police Department today issued a warrant for the arrest of former Sesame Street gay icon ‘Bert’, after closed circuit television footage caught the muppet holding up a 7-Eleven on West 42^nd Street. He was later spotted in Christopher Park near the Gay Liberation Monument; soliciting trade. If you see this muppet the NYPD have advised not to approach him, call the Crime division on (718) 802-4336. flaccid

MELBOURNE, AUS – The Moore family of St Kilda held a press conference today to explain their astonishment at the complete lack of talent on the recently completed season of Australian Idol.

“I know we must take into account most true performers with any self worth, or dignity wouldn’t be tempted onto the show…but a mute with a busted ukulele, and a sack of the worst dick tricks known to man could put on a better performance” claimed Daniel; father and house husband. flaccid

MELBOURNE, AUS – It was clarified today that St Kilda Road landmark building ANL House is NOT a lube and ass-plug emporium. Nor is it a call centre for gay chat-lines.

The revelation came about when a janitor from the building’s cleaning company was asked if he had seen any dildo’s, lube, or butt-plugs lying around.

“No.” was his response. flaccid

COLORADO, USA – A text with the acronym LOL – laughs out loud – sent from a gay friend, freaked out a straight Peter Dhomas today.
“ I thought it meant ‘lots of love,’ said Dhomas.
“ It does mean ‘lots of love’ doesn’t it?” Said the gay friend when questioned . flaccid

MANCHESTER, ENG -  Supposed friend Shelly Bloxall dropped by the residence of Louise Mardi Tuesday night,  and proceeded to eat 6 of the 8 slices of vegetarian pizza that had just been delivered. She then blocked the toilet with what Mardi claims must have been her ‘entire guts’

“Shelly came over, ate 6 slices of pizza, then said she had stomach cramps, and went to the toilet. Next thing I know she’s blocked it. She’s only small so I’m guessing she must have shat out her entire guts! And she didn’t even manage a courtesy flush.” Mardi has planned to return the favour. flaccid

LONDON, ENG – A male IT worker was rushed to the first aid room of the building in which he works, after cutting his finger on a chunk of dried snot he had left under his desk a few days earlier.

Peter Housley, 27, a closet nostril picker, passed out upon realising his own dried snot was the cause of the carnage.

“That could have been me” said Mike Gambra, a co-worker at Zilp Media. “It seems harmless when you do it, but that obviously isn’t the case.”  The man required two bandaids. flaccid

SYDNEY, AUS – A young Sydney girl won this year’s Dancing while Intoxicated with her rendition of the flailing caterpillar and convulsions that culminated in a projectile vomit down her chest before peeing on the floor. She thanked “Whazzisname?” for “copious amounts of inhibition-killing liquid courage”. Multi-award winner Todd McKenny said the final decision was “an unconscious one”. K Irving

SOMEWHERE ABOVE NEW YORK, USA – Hopes sank for the Underwater Gymnastics Society when their plan to “increase memberships by deterring amorous behaviour on planes” aroused the crew onboard DX569 yesterday into a coordinated mid-air orgy. Witnesses reported passengers “livin’ it up in the cock pit” while “nude flight attendants rode exit seats like ponies”. K Irving

GENOA, ITA – The first annual Forgetfulness Convention was declared a failure today as not a single person attended.

“We are guessing everybody just forgot it was happening” said a disappointed Mary James, organiser of the event.

“If this was a success we were going to hold an ‘Indifference Convention.” flaccid

NEW YORK, USA – A highly publicised show by German comedian Helter Lehmann failed massively on it’s opening night in New York, when translating problems developed among the marketing staff, headed by Parker Skelter . ‘Helter Lehmann – Postponed’ was meant to read ‘Helter Lehmann  Post-reunification’. flaccid

WORMHOLE, BAJ – The President of Iran is celebrating today after unexpectedly winning the prestigious ‘Ugliest Ferengi’ title at the annual Universal Ugly Awards held on the Deep Space 9 outpost, near the Bajoran wormhole.

Above: almost impossible to spot the difference, if one were to take away the facial hair.

“Good luck to him, he’s one ugly fucker!”

Mahmood Ahmadinezhad was unfortunately not able to pick up his award as his donkey was is not yet equipped for deep space travel.

Previous winner, and this years only other nominee, Quark was gutted at losing, but philosophical…”what can be said, other than, I was not the ugliest Ferengi. I can’t grow facial hair, and that may just be what gave Mahmood the gong. Good luck to him, he’s one ugly fucker!” flaccid

NEW YORK, USA – Local resident and drivers’ side passenger Motifa Jones was forced to push her head out of the window in order not to vomit; having dry retched repeatedly following an onslaught of breathslaps from driver Chico Mendez. “I don’t know if it is rotting teeth, or the result of a shit sandwich, but the breathslap he shot my way could have knocked out a baby giraffe!”

“I don’t know if it is rotting teeth, or the result of a shit sandwich, but the breathslap he shot my way could have knocked out a baby giraffe!”

The breathslap – a term first used by porn star Baron Nentoura when he decided it better to kiss the lower lips of a Kaplakistani street whore with an evident rash, than to kiss the gum diseased mouth that breathslapped him while shooting the now famous ‘Kaplak Crack’ – left Jones ill for at least 10 minutes, even after vacating the car.

Friends, co-workers, and Harold the local bum living in the foyer of Mr Mendez apartment block, have all urged him to visit the dentist. flaccid

DELHI, IND – The Indian book of impossible sexual positions; the Kama Sutra, today introduced a new position to its 2009 edition. The reverse titty fuck bum growl (RTFBG) is claimed to be a breath of fresh air for the often criticized publication.

“Every year our team of gifted, extremely flexible, acrobat nymphomaniacs work on new positions; the RTFBG was what they came up with…and it’s actually achievable, not like the wrap around elephant from the year previous. We received a lot of flack from animal welfare organisations for that one” said marketing spokesman Stu Runsquick-Singh. flaccid

BERLIN, GER – A banana milkshake tasting a lot more like vanilla was the subject of a heated debate between a customer and the café worker that created the shake late yesterday.

Nicholas Kreiler of downtown Berlin ordered the banana shake in question from Jens Fulkder at uptown café Schlapp. After one solid suck, Kreiler blurted out to the horror of the café patrons “this banana shake tastes like vanilla!” Fulkder immediately asked Kreiler to ‘calm the fuck down’ or else he would slap him round like the ‘orally senseless bitch he was’. Whereby Kreiler reiterated his previous comment, following it up with ‘you vanilla tasting banana shake making uptown twat!’

“It was one of the scariest situations i think I have ever witnessed” said former WWII SS Commander Limper Bitz. flaccid

Fatty and Skinny tree branch snap ordeal

DOVER, ENG – Marsha ‘fatty’ Boombah today squished her lover of three weeks James ‘Skinny’ Asbones when the tree branch they were occupying snapped.

Boombah and Asbones had been K-i-s-s-i-n-g’ing when the red oak branch gave way under their weight leaving a two metre fall into a thicket of bushes. Boombah escaped without injury, although Asbones was less fortunate, squished by the weight of his lover when he attempted to cushion her fall.

Teasing song chorus leader Tonya Templer who saw the whole ordeal was quoted as saying: “Skinny got squished bad!”

Asbones is expected to make a full recovery. flaccid

PESHAWAR, PAK – Al Qa’eda leaders are planning to open their wire fenced training camp doors to the public this weekend for what they are calling ‘Osama day’.

“We have Bin Laden face masks, a commando course, and Afghan cave rat shooting with 70year old kalishnikovs for the kids!”

The decision came about as a way of involving themselves in the global community. “We have Bin Laden face masks, a commando course, and Afghan cave rat shooting with 70year old kalishnikovs for the kids!” Said open day organiser Bin Ali Bin Mohommad…
“And you don’t want to miss Osama Klaus & his 12 magical donkeys! He’ll have financial backing for any prospective terrorist organisations. Everybody is welcome.” The barbed wire will be removed from 10am. flaccid

OSLO, NOR – A new ‘ultra edition’ vibrator with swivelling knob, and detachable gyrating thumb yesterday beat off a vast array of inventions at the International Science Invention Awards.

Among those inventions were a small portable desalination device that could help many in the world’s worst affected drought regions; a toothbrush that turns basic fillings into 18 carat gold caps; and a phone that doubles as a life support system. flaccid