LOS ANGELES, USA – There were scenes of mass hysteria on Tuesday night as a herd of horses galloped along Hollywood Boulevard wearing fake vampire teeth and neighing for blood; resulting in the deaths of eight Japanese tourists and two local transients.

“They had no idea a team of marauding vampire horses neighing uncontrollably while hoofing it down Hollywood Boulevard would scare anyone…”

It became apparent the following day that former television personality Mr Ed and several friends were known to have been the animals at the centre of what is being described as ‘Horse Fools gone wrong’.

“According to Ed it was just a harmless ‘DVD bonus feature’ prank that unfortunately resulted in the deaths of several people,” said local architect, and owner of Mr Ed; Wilbur Post. “They had no idea a team of marauding vampire horses neighing uncontrollably while hoofing it down Hollywood Boulevard would scare anyone; they’re just horses for fuck sake!”

Mr Ed suggested the blame may lay elsewhere: “if those hobo’s weren’t sleeping in that gutter, the Japanese tourists wouldn’t have tripped over them and fallen into the path of an oncoming bus…we can’t be blamed for that. It was just a little, relatively harmless mayhem that may have resulted in some deaths…what’s all the fuss? Willlbuurrrr!”

Sales for the soon to be released DVD of the famed show are now expected to skyrocket. Flaccid.

LONDON, ENG – Camden resident Martin Cole was so adamant he would one day be wrongfully convicted for a felony, that he had a tattoo of an asshole placed on the small of his back.

“Hopefully they’ll be trying to fuck my back just long enough for the wardens to arrive. Worst case scenario I walk out of prison with a new orifice”

Cole, who has a face that seems to contain all the features associated with a stereotypical felon, was unfortunately detained on Friday for an armed robbery offence on the basis of an identikit image put together from witness descriptions; an uncanny resemblance to Cole.

He now hopes the tattoo will ensure he is not anally raped, at least for the first week of his incarceration, “Hopefully they’ll be trying to fuck my back just long enough for the wardens to arrive. Worst case scenario I walk out of prison with a new orifice”.  flaccid

MELBOURNE, AUS – Local area man Baron Nentoura today officially patented a flatulence ‘catch and release’ pad which is widely expected to revolutionise the odour industry.

“They’ll never need to apologise for offloading again; in fact they’ll probably be thanked…especially if they’ve got a potpourri pad in, and they’re sitting on a bus full of pensioners.”

Smells like Roses catches the gas released from the sphincter and immediately distributes a shot of fragrance in its place. “I came up with the idea when the missus kept attempting to blame the dog for her seriously noxious indiscretions; claiming that it couldn’t be her as her ass smells like roses,” said Nentoura, “now when she says it, it’s technically true.”

The product has already been endorsed by several industry heavyweights, among those the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Society of Australia. IBSSA spokesperson Julia Jables believes IBS sufferers will buy the pads in their droves, “this could be the mechanism that allows Irritable bowel sufferers to venture back out into the real world instead of living vicariously through their Sim characters and Facebook profile. They’ll never need to apologise for offloading again; in fact they’ll probably be thanked…especially if they’ve got a potpourri pad in, and they’re sitting on a bus full of pensioners.”

Nentoura plans to release a large range of fragranced pads; vanilla bean, potpourri, rose petal, cookies and cream, lavender and grape flavoured bubblegum among those.

The pads are expected to be on sale in the coming months. flaccid

NEW YORK, USA – Colgate launched a new campaign on Monday to rebrand its popular Sensitive line of toothpastes as the leading oral care product for men and women prone to picking up cockheads. The affordable toothpaste promises to repel any tosser in a 500 metre radius and is clinically proven to help prevent one-night stands your friends won’t ever let you forget.

“…Within a matter of hours you’ll notice you’re less inclined to talk to losers, wankers, players and douches…”

“We recommend you use it everyday so you can build up a tolerance to attracting total fucking idiots,” spokesperson Lisa Lonuts said. “Within a matter of hours you’ll notice you’re less inclined to talk to losers, wankers, players and douches. Who wouldn’t want to relieve the anxiety of that!”

Lonuts added it will give you more chance at finding someone happy to pleasure you first. “Unfortunately, it won’t improve the taste of your new man’s love sauce,” she added. “But it will eventually eradicate the number of twats out there.” K Irving

MELBOURNE, AUS – Random Melbourne resident Mitchell Droop was today wondering why, with the exception of Roger, all his friends choose to use fruit based handwash and not rich, creamy milk options.

“Mitchell doesn’t stop…you can hear him in the bathroom talking to himself, ‘I can’t believe he has patchouli & berry handwash’ and ‘I’m gonna buy that fruity smelling dick a milky handwash’…”

“Maybe I’m just used to the rich lather, and silken feel of a creamy handwash like Rogers Milk & Honey; but when I go over to Pete, Mark or Ruperts joints, they’re all using fruity handwash.” Said Droop… “none of them smell good, especially the Jasmine and Sandlewood that Mark uses…it reeks like that fragrance old people use to hide the odour from their colostomy bags”

According to friend Rupert, Mitchell is a little too anal when it comes to handwash, “I’ve never met such a finicky fuck! Mitchell doesn’t stop…you can hear him in the bathroom talking to himself, ‘I can’t believe he has patchouli & berry handwash’ and ‘I’m gonna buy that fruity smelling dick a milky handwash’…it’s fucked up; he needs to sort his shit out.” flaccid

NEW YORK, USA – The New York Police Department today issued a warrant for the arrest of former Sesame Street gay icon ‘Bert’, after closed circuit television footage caught the muppet holding up a 7-Eleven on West 42^nd Street. He was later spotted in Christopher Park near the Gay Liberation Monument; soliciting trade. If you see this muppet the NYPD have advised not to approach him, call the Crime division on (718) 802-4336. flaccid

WHITEPLACE, HEA – God has run out of patience for extremely religious Texas area married mother of two Joan Clements, according to sources close to the creator. Supposedly Joan happens to have poor timing whenever she asks the lord to bless her meals, and it is starting to grate with the almighty.

“Just the other day God was creating the universe Nebulo on the outskirts of the Cardoha galaxy. Intricate stuff…and then Joan’s squeaky fricken voice chimes in: ‘We thank you lord for giving us the opportunity to eat this chicken fried steak’…”

“The boss is a busy non gender specific individual. He/she hasn’t got time to acknowledge Joan’s family whenever they eat! Just the other day God was creating the universe Nebulo on the outskirts of the Cardoha galaxy. Intricate stuff…and then Joan’s squeaky fricken voice chimes in: ‘We thank you lord for giving us the opportunity to eat this chicken fried steak’…he/she doesn’t even like you fuckers eating cows!” Said Pearly Gates security manager Saint Peter.

He continued, “…Thankfully we won’t have to deal with Joan, when that time comes…she’s been too good. Ol Beelzebub gets the good ones.” Saint Peter also pointed out a few other gripes held by the creator, “He/she can’t stand those damn Jehovah’s witnesses…two of them came knocking on the gates the other day and God yells out ‘if it’s those fricken Jehovah’s, whatever you do don’t invite them in…they’ll never leave!’.

“…And then there are the sinless that make up sins so they can repent something each week. God has no time for fakes…it would be like you watching a Jerry Springer show, and the guests all turn out to be actors…when someone repents they should picture themselves as a guest on Jerry…the more fucked up the sin the better. flaccid

BETHLEHEM, PAL – The only recorded case of immaculate conception may have been false following claims revealed in a parchment found in a Jerusalem excavation, that noted Mary (mother of Jesus) was no longer accepting frankincence or myrrh as payment for ‘services’.

“If he only puts it in for two strokes…does that count?”

The site of the excavation, the former offices of the Bethlehem Leper – one of the most respected publications of the time – unearthed some sensational contradictions to the Bible story. One of which was that Mary was not only ‘not’ a virgin…but quite possibly the most successful call-girl in all of Judaea.

The cover story of an issue found, dated the 27th March 1BC, had the heading ‘Mary: No more frankincence or myrrh…only gold or Roman empire shares for services’. Although the article does not explicitly state that ‘services’ were of a sexual nature, and may well have been for pilates classes or crack, sack and back waxing for which Mary was a known practitioner, her quotes provide damning (albeit debatable) proof that she was not a virgin:

“If he only puts it in for two strokes…does that count?” And “if that fucker claims he popped my cherry I’ll bury him!”

Chief excavation analyst for the site, Joanne DeMourning, was upbeat about the findings though also aware they would create a global debate, “On one hand you have to be happy when you find something that could change the way we look at fundamental pieces of our history…but wow, two strokes in my book equals penetration. Slow or fast, those strokes amount to a cherry popping any way you look at it!”

Founder of the Sexual Partner Statistics Foundation (SPSF), Hans Enpochets, pleaded for caution when debating this subject, “There has always been a grey area between two strokes counting as intercourse, or just a tickle…we are of the belief that if he pushed it all the way in for each of the strokes, and they were slow strokes, then Mary had her cherry popped. But the information given to me doesn’t confirm that, so we may unfortunately never know.” flaccid

MANCHESTER, ENG -  Supposed friend Shelly Bloxall dropped by the residence of Louise Mardi Tuesday night,  and proceeded to eat 6 of the 8 slices of vegetarian pizza that had just been delivered. She then blocked the toilet with what Mardi claims must have been her ‘entire guts’

“Shelly came over, ate 6 slices of pizza, then said she had stomach cramps, and went to the toilet. Next thing I know she’s blocked it. She’s only small so I’m guessing she must have shat out her entire guts! And she didn’t even manage a courtesy flush.” Mardi has planned to return the favour. flaccid

LONDON, ENG – Extremely Ugly men have had enough! Grotesquely disfigured males are de-bagging their heads and parading their ‘faces like the rectums of rotted Slovakian Llamas’ around town, according to local media.

“ It was a progression for me” said Michael Marlen of Camden, London. “ First I got rid of the photo of Brad Pitt my girlfriend had stuck to my bag. Then when i decided to take the next step she freaked! If she can’t love me for the fuck ugly bastard I am then I’ll move on and find a fuck ugly girlfriend and we’ll make some hideously fuck ugly babies together!” flaccid

SAN FRANCISCO, USA – The failure of San Fransisco eatery ‘Kum Den’, to reach the final two of the annual United States ‘Special Sauce’ awards, has left the 2006 winners swallowing their pride. “They came in here so cocky! I guess the cream is on their faces now” said a gloating second place getter Richard Splurge from the Mission Street bakery/eatery ‘Cream Pie’.

“They came in here so cocky! I guess the cream is on their faces now”

For weeks leading up to the event, the proprietors of last years winning special sauce award were calling their competitors in an attempt to psyche them out. That obviously failed as they managed no better than 4th position.

The 2007 winner was the alternative New York City diner ‘The Pineapple Porridge’. flaccid

LOS ANGELES, USA -  Reports leaked to the media today confirmed rumours that the morbidly obese religious icon ‘Buddha’ will be one of the contestants on the upcoming season of biggest ‘celebrity’ loser. “Our people have been praying to his people…and a positive outcome seems imminent. The deity knows this is his best chance to shed that unwanted gut, and those man-titties…he wants to win it.” Said a station insider.

“The religious icons participation and subsequent weight loss may signal a revitalization of the miniature Buddha statue market.”

Buddha will face stiff opposition from a who’s who of the obese celebrity world, with names like Dick Cheney, Michael Moore, and Brazilian footballer Ronaldo among the males expected to be participating. “The religious icons participation and subsequent weight loss may signal a revitalization of the miniature Buddha statue market.” Said Jay Jones, analyst for the Stock journal ‘$’ noted. flaccid

TEXAS, USA -  Guinness book ‘Most Consecutive twinkies’ record holder Patricia Spudge is surprised she is fat.

The 36 year old morbidly obese woman, who has held the record for the past seven years (bettering the previous record of 3276 by Phyllis ‘the truck’ Mayfield, who died minutes after claiming the trophy at the ‘Supremely Fat’ convention in Tokyo); is mystified by the information.

“you’re too fucking fat!”

“I couldn’t believe it…I always figured the doors at my home were built by someone unable to tell the difference between a millimetre and a centimetre… until the crane malfunctioned and the operator yelled down:
‘you’re too fucking fat!’ maybe the doors weren’t so small.”  flaccid

GENOA, ITA – The first annual Forgetfulness Convention was declared a failure today as not a single person attended.

“We are guessing everybody just forgot it was happening” said a disappointed Mary James, organiser of the event.

“If this was a success we were going to hold an ‘Indifference Convention.” flaccid

NEW YORK, USA – A highly publicised show by German comedian Helter Lehmann failed massively on it’s opening night in New York, when translating problems developed among the marketing staff, headed by Parker Skelter . ‘Helter Lehmann – Postponed’ was meant to read ‘Helter Lehmann  Post-reunification’. flaccid

SYDNEY, AUS – It’s official, Chinese made replica Barbie’s (usually given names like Mary, Petunia and Flange) have more fun.

According to a recent poll conducted by the ‘Toy Love Society’, kids that are given a Chinese made ‘Flange’ doll are 10 times more likely to manipulate it into a sexual position, than if they were given a ‘Barbie’ doll… which are in 95% of cases made to perform menial cleaning tasks around the Pink Summer Fun Campervan.

“the Chinese replica Flange has bits of excess plastic hanging off in random places, and usually has a bigger head…”

“I think it has something to do with the pristine features of Barbie… kids love making her do all the cleaning because th

ey know in real life a stuck up little skank princess would usually never be caught dead cleaning Ken’s misdirected digested cow and chilli curry. Whereas the Chinese replica Flange has bits of excess plastic hanging off in random places, and usually has a bigger head… kids seem to think she is more representativ

e of the current Paris Hilton inspired dirty slutty whorebags that are so cool at the moment.” Said Bobby Wang of the Toy Love Society. flaccid

BANGKOK, THA – In a major shock to backpackers travelling through South East Asia, the DVDs they are purchasing from local markets are actually fakes.

“My Rolex filled with water in the shower, the lenses in my Gucci’s fell out, and the Man U kit shrank to a kids size in the wash! I should have asked for receipts.”

Roger Davis – an English backpacker – was a little unsure of his purchase; Gran Torino, when he noticed the double AA battery sign in the bottom left corner of the screen, and someone asking to pass the popcorn. “I think I may have been rorted, but I’ll have to watch the movie on the big screen just to see if there is a part where a woman in the front row goes down on a guy”

The revelation has led Davis to question some of his other Thai market purchases…

“My Rolex filled with water in the shower, the lenses in my Gucci’s fell out, and the Man U kit shrank to a kids size in the wash! I should have asked for receipts.” flaccid

BALYKCHY, KYR – Voider Lakayev, a potato farmer from the small Kyrgyzstan town of Bashti won a million Som in the Kyrgyzstani version of ‘Who wants to be a millionaire’ on Thursday night.

“He did very well. I thought the answer was gonorrhea but lucky for him I don’t know my own rash!

The event watched by almost a million people, was three shows in the making, and culminated in what many considered to be a trick question. Lakayev, with no lifelines left, was asked ‘What venereal rash did acclaimed mathematician Viktor Lubda pick up when he travelled to Botswana in 1999?’.

(Considered a trick question as Lubda had a penchant for crack whores, and picked up three separate venereal diseases in the space of four years travelling to Africa)

Lakayev picked C…gonad rot.

Host Laschti Laschtic tore up the small cheque and called out Roishti the Llama with a bikini clad unshaven model on his back holding a metre wide million Som cardboard cheque. The million Som cheque, equivalent to US$10, was signed off and handed over to Lakayev amid a barrage of balloons and confetti.

Kyrgyzstani President Askar Akayevich Akayev was on hand to witness the event, and paid tribute to Lakayev, “He did very well. I thought the answer was gonorrhea but lucky for him I don’t know my own rash!” flaccid