WORMHOLE, BAJ – The President of Iran is celebrating today after unexpectedly winning the prestigious ‘Ugliest Ferengi’ title at the annual Universal Ugly Awards held on the Deep Space 9 outpost, near the Bajoran wormhole.

Above: almost impossible to spot the difference, if one were to take away the facial hair.

“Good luck to him, he’s one ugly fucker!”

Mahmood Ahmadinezhad was unfortunately not able to pick up his award as his donkey was is not yet equipped for deep space travel.

Previous winner, and this years only other nominee, Quark was gutted at losing, but philosophical…”what can be said, other than, I was not the ugliest Ferengi. I can’t grow facial hair, and that may just be what gave Mahmood the gong. Good luck to him, he’s one ugly fucker!” flaccid

MOSCOW, RUS – After 34 years in the public spotlight Mikhail Gorbachev finally wiped the bird shit from his forehead. It came about during a drunken shindig at the residence of the former Soviet leader. A friend was noted as saying ‘Mikhail can you please wipe that shit off your head! It’s starting to crust over’.

“How do you inform the leader of a global superpower that he has bird shit on his forehead?

Initially thought to have been discarded by a white crested dove on the outskirts of Novibirski; the splatter of faeces has been confirmed to have come from the poo shoot of a London pigeon.

“How do you inform the leader of a global superpower that he has bird shit on his forehead? For many years this was an unanswered question. Last night we were very drunk and I just happened to throw it in. He laughed, looked in the mirror, mumbled something about ‘damned London pigeons’ and wiped it off.” Alexei Smalinov said when approached.

Apparently Gorbachev knew of the sky spawned butt licorice when it happened but was unable to wipe it off as he was posing for an outdoor wax exhibit for Madame Tussauds in Trafalgar Square, and needed to keep the pose. The poo was forgotten and later became known as the birth mark that wasn’t. The offending pigeon was never found. flaccid