US EMBASSY CABLES: The following files were recently released by Flaccid News after Wikileaks failed to deem them of relevance. Flaccid News feels these files should be in the public domain and that if Julian Assange really did copulate with two Swedish girls at the same time; it means there is a chance that any thin, pale, borderline albino man can potentially fulfill his sauna dream dating back to the John Holmes’ days…for this we should all be grateful.

CANBERRA, AUS – According to recent US Embassy cables, former Prime Minister of Australia John Howard, had planned to sell off his exceptionally large fluffy eyebrows in an attempt to rejuvenate the country’s lagging fur trade.

Costello would do anything to get out of the Robin suit…even if it meant pleasing Janette for an evening!

One insider was quoted in the cables as suggesting the eyebrows were what stole him the 1996 election; “if it weren’t for those fuck-off big brows of his lil Johnny would have been in opposition until 99. The way they moved in the breeze took the attention away from the truly awful policies he was offering. Getting rid of those things will undoubtedly turn the Australian fur trade around…but at what price? It’d be like Batman handing Robin his suit and asking him to go and please Vicki Vail for the night. Costello would do anything to get out of the Robin suit…even if it meant pleasing Janette for an evening!” flaccid

US EMBASSY CABLES: The following files were recently released by Flaccid News after Wikileaks failed to deem them of relevance. Flaccid News feels these files should be in the public domain and that if Julian Assange really did copulate with two Swedish girls at the same time; it means there is a chance that any thin, pale, borderline albino man can potentially fulfill his sauna dream dating back to the John Holmes’ days…for this we should all be grateful.

CANBERRA, AUS – It was revealed today in US Embassy cables, that former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd had researched a potential change in surname in the event he was forced to call a snap election in 2009; robbing him of the planned ‘Kevin11’ slogan that would come with a full four year term.

“Everybody knows Kev likes a good rhyme…but to associate oneself with the king of urban douches, would be about as useful as a dildo made out of barbed wire”

According to Labor party insiders, a secret focus group was set up to test the response to a potential change of surname from Rudd to Federline. The results of the testing suggested that most would abbreviate Federline to ‘Fed’ and more than likely do the same with Kevin; dropping the ‘evin’. Unfortunately the result ‘K-Fed’ didn’t rhyme with either 09 or 10, and would potentially result in a lawsuit from the American wannabe jughead rapper of the same name…and as such was abandoned.

“Everybody knows Kev likes a good rhyme…but to associate oneself with the king of urban douches, would be about as useful as a dildo made out of barbed wire”, said a party insider when questioned. flaccid

US EMBASSY CABLES: The following files were recently released by Flaccid News after Wikileaks failed to deem them of relevance. Flaccid News feels these files should be in the public domain and that if Julian Assange really did copulate with two Swedish girls at the same time; it means there is a chance that any thin, pale, borderline albino man can potentially fulfill his sauna dream dating back to the John Holmes’ days…for this we should all be grateful.

WASHINGTON, USA – According to US cables recently released by WikiLeaks; Condi Rice’s love of Burrito Brothers infamous ‘Flush out ya colon’ burrito was said to have caused all sorts of tension amongst every person working within the White house.

“Those burritos don’t even have onions, yet the results through Condi make your eyes water in an instant!” said a White House insider when questioned about the leak. flaccid

US EMBASSY CABLES: The following files were recently released by Flaccid News after Wikileaks failed to deem them of relevance. Flaccid News feels these files should be in the public domain and that if Julian Assange really did copulate with two Swedish girls at the same time; it means there is a chance that any thin, pale, borderline albino man can potentially fulfill his sauna dream dating back to the John Holmes’ days…for this we should all be grateful.

BAGHDAD, IRQ – Files recently found in one of the palaces originally owned by now dead former Iraqi Dictator Saddam Hussein, were given to the press today. The files brought to light a plot that was to use prostitutes with serious venereal diseases as a weapon against ‘Coalition’ forces.

“Just imagine the skankiest crack-whores in Iraq unleashed on a battalion of horny military servicemen. It would be a night of frivolous fun, followed by weeks of uncontrollable itching, pissing blood, and in the worst cases, gonad rot!”

The ousted dictator planned to amass an army of the most sordid rash ridden hookers in Baghdad, and send them off to turn tricks with US military; leaving the forces in a state of venereal mayhem.

“It’s ingenious! The idea would have taken guerrilla warfare into a brave new world…” Said Lasiter McHenry, author of the famed How to Win a War and sell mistresses warfare series. “Just imagine the skankiest crack-whores in Iraq unleashed on a battalion of horny military servicemen. It would be a night of frivolous fun, followed by weeks of uncontrollable itching, pissing blood, and in the worst cases, gonad rot!”

Captain Michael Legwinsky of the 33rd Infantry battalion currently stationed in Najaf painted a grim picture of what may have happened if this plan had been set in motion, “We would have been fucked. Literally. We have a backup plan for an outbreak of flu, of measles, hell even a case of SARS! But an outbreak of the clap, itchy scrote… or nad rot. We got no defence. In this climate, where ball sweat is commonplace, it’d be like feeding termites damp wood! It’d bring morale to an all time low. flaccid