LOS ANGELES, USA – There were scenes of mass hysteria on Tuesday night as a herd of horses galloped along Hollywood Boulevard wearing fake vampire teeth and neighing for blood; resulting in the deaths of eight Japanese tourists and two local transients.

“They had no idea a team of marauding vampire horses neighing uncontrollably while hoofing it down Hollywood Boulevard would scare anyone…”

It became apparent the following day that former television personality Mr Ed and several friends were known to have been the animals at the centre of what is being described as ‘Horse Fools gone wrong’.

“According to Ed it was just a harmless ‘DVD bonus feature’ prank that unfortunately resulted in the deaths of several people,” said local architect, and owner of Mr Ed; Wilbur Post. “They had no idea a team of marauding vampire horses neighing uncontrollably while hoofing it down Hollywood Boulevard would scare anyone; they’re just horses for fuck sake!”

Mr Ed suggested the blame may lay elsewhere: “if those hobo’s weren’t sleeping in that gutter, the Japanese tourists wouldn’t have tripped over them and fallen into the path of an oncoming bus…we can’t be blamed for that. It was just a little, relatively harmless mayhem that may have resulted in some deaths…what’s all the fuss? Willlbuurrrr!”

Sales for the soon to be released DVD of the famed show are now expected to skyrocket. Flaccid.

Above: Kobra Kai boss John Creese lays the law down to Mr Miyagi after his last casino indiscretion.

LOS ANGELES, USA – Local handyman Mr Miyagi is in trouble with the Kobra Kai casino again, according to reports emanating from the streets over the past few days.

“…Danielson could have been an Italian Chuck Norris…”

Sources close to Miyagi have said the reluctant karate teacher earlier today attempted to negotiate a deal with the notoriously shady Kobra Kai Casino boss John Kreese, in order to pay off the pokie debts he had accrued over several consecutive ‘saki’ binge nights at the casino. Those negotiations had “not gone well” suggested one of the sources.

Mr Miyagi had originally planned to place a large bet (using his Bonsai fused Marijuana plant side business) on former prodigy Daniel LaRusso to win in the upcoming ‘All Valley Karate Tournament’; using the winnings to pay off the Cobra Kai debt. However that idea failed to materialise when Miyagi learned that LaRusso had given up the fame associated with the legendary ‘crane’ position to become a career crackhead; living in a low budget trailer park with de-facto Ali and their three children.

“He was devastated at the time” said a close friend describing Mr Miyagi’s response to LaRusso’s situation, “he told me he felt ‘much pain’ upon discovering the kid was a junkie. He said ‘Danielson could have been an Italian Chuck Norris’ but was now no more than a ‘junkie scumbucket’.”

No details have yet emerged in relation to the negotiations that had ‘not gone well’, but it was rumoured that Miyagi may have been asked to hand over the keys to his beloved rice paper love shack. flaccid

LOS ANGELES, USA – In a bizarre twist of fate for a now ass-less low flying duck; a Skid Row cardboard condominium owner has actually made good on a statement he proffered to a neighbour only minutes earlier.

“…it was like instinct, man; I just bit.”

Wesley Jackson; from the third row of boxes on the corner of 7th and Kent Streets was still trying to come to terms with the news that he’d actually bitten the entire ass off a low flying duck.

“Seriously dawg…I was just tellin my man ‘Off Milk’ that I was ravenous yo! And he asked me how hungry, and I said; I was so hungry I could eat the ass out of a low flying duck. Then outta nowhere comes a duck, and it was like instinct, man; I just bit.” Jackson said to a small group of reporters; still sporting some of the duck’s faecal matter across the right side of his face.

Jackson, within hours, had been offered work on a duck shooting range as some light entertainment for Dick Cheney when he visits; but he declined, claiming it would conflict with his crack habit. The duck, at this stage has not been located. flaccid

VANCOUVER, CAN – Tooth Fairy was today found guilty of 5’453’672 incidents of monetary deception, and a further 5’453’667 counts of violence occasioning actual bodily harm; in what will undoubtedly become the World’s largest fraud and violence case since the International meat board was sentenced for similar indiscretions.

“have you ever tried to pay for something in Canada with a NZ dollar? It’s fucking impossible…”

However, using the Meat board case as a point of reference, Fairy’s lawyers feel they may be able to clear their client, when they move from the state courts to the supreme court… a scenario that will surely rile most in the 3 to 7 year old demographic.

“If the meat lobby can get off for deceiving every person on the planet for 50+ years, while slaughtering billions of succulent, oft tender cows, pigs and the like… we should be able to get our client off. The bruising found on the bodies of each of the ‘supposed’ victims can be just as easily attributed to walking into a door, falling out of bed or self mutilation as it could to being bashed senseless with a metal wand, and a pair of lightweight knuckle dusters! Our client is a petite little fairy with nothing but love for her customers. The weapons originally found in her possession were for self protection; she is regularly abused, both verbally and physically.” Stated Fairy’s lawyer Peter Tree soon after the verdict had been handed down.

The decision to take the matter to the Supreme Court had 8 year old Tyler Dean of the Primary School Law Association (PSLA) seething;

“I cannot believe, after all the reports of short changing, coin laundering, and violence against so many… that these idiots think they’ll get Fairy off! She is forever trying to get out of houses, without leaving a cent, but when she’s spotted she either beats the shit out of you or goes and leaves New Zealand dollars… have you ever tried to pay for something in Canada with a NZ dollar? It’s fucking impossible… and there’s no point taking it to the bank, because you’ll only get back a few cents…”

A Supreme Court verdict is not expected for months. flaccid

BYRON BAY, AUS – In response to a declaration of war made by a large group of local transients; the Byron Bay Freegan community stated its intention to fight back late last night…sending the Northern NSW tourist haven into near anarchy.

“I pulled out this half eaten burger before any of those dero’s even realised I was in the fricken dumpster…they can have my scraps bitches!

Tensions between the local groups had been extraordinarily high for months; yet the flashpoint that triggered what has been called a ‘civil war’ of sorts, came about when Melbourne Freegan tourist Stevie Ownsacat threw a half consumed cup of Soy Chai latte out of a dumpster and onto homeless tourist John Reeks. Within hours mayhem had taken hold of the streets.

“It’s really scary,” said an unemployed Sydney student who had been seriously considering a permanent career move into the area, “I never realised Byron Bay was a war zone. How can I sunbake and drink coffee at local cafes when I’m forever paranoid a Freegan and a bum might come to blows over a bin located within metres of my person!””

Freegan community leader Lester Boefinkle felt negotiation was no longer an option: Fuck’em…I have every right to employ my alternative living strategies based on limited participation in the conventional economy and minimal consumption of resources. And anyway, I pulled out this half eaten burger before any of those dero’s even realised I was in the fricken dumpster…they can have my scraps bitches!”

A representative for the transients known simply as ‘Off Milk’ was quoted as saying something along the lines of “we’ll just eat’em…if it’s in a dumpster it’s rubbish right,” but this couldn’t be entirely verified due to a complete lack of verbal coherency.

The war is expected to extend throughout summer as both sides continue to strengthen numbers with the onset of warmer weather. Flaccid

WHITEPLACE, HEA – God has run out of patience for extremely religious Texas area married mother of two Joan Clements, according to sources close to the creator. Supposedly Joan happens to have poor timing whenever she asks the lord to bless her meals, and it is starting to grate with the almighty.

“Just the other day God was creating the universe Nebulo on the outskirts of the Cardoha galaxy. Intricate stuff…and then Joan’s squeaky fricken voice chimes in: ‘We thank you lord for giving us the opportunity to eat this chicken fried steak’…”

“The boss is a busy non gender specific individual. He/she hasn’t got time to acknowledge Joan’s family whenever they eat! Just the other day God was creating the universe Nebulo on the outskirts of the Cardoha galaxy. Intricate stuff…and then Joan’s squeaky fricken voice chimes in: ‘We thank you lord for giving us the opportunity to eat this chicken fried steak’…he/she doesn’t even like you fuckers eating cows!” Said Pearly Gates security manager Saint Peter.

He continued, “…Thankfully we won’t have to deal with Joan, when that time comes…she’s been too good. Ol Beelzebub gets the good ones.” Saint Peter also pointed out a few other gripes held by the creator, “He/she can’t stand those damn Jehovah’s witnesses…two of them came knocking on the gates the other day and God yells out ‘if it’s those fricken Jehovah’s, whatever you do don’t invite them in…they’ll never leave!’.

“…And then there are the sinless that make up sins so they can repent something each week. God has no time for fakes…it would be like you watching a Jerry Springer show, and the guests all turn out to be actors…when someone repents they should picture themselves as a guest on Jerry…the more fucked up the sin the better. flaccid

MOSCOW, RUS – After 34 years in the public spotlight Mikhail Gorbachev finally wiped the bird shit from his forehead. It came about during a drunken shindig at the residence of the former Soviet leader. A friend was noted as saying ‘Mikhail can you please wipe that shit off your head! It’s starting to crust over’.

“How do you inform the leader of a global superpower that he has bird shit on his forehead?

Initially thought to have been discarded by a white crested dove on the outskirts of Novibirski; the splatter of faeces has been confirmed to have come from the poo shoot of a London pigeon.

“How do you inform the leader of a global superpower that he has bird shit on his forehead? For many years this was an unanswered question. Last night we were very drunk and I just happened to throw it in. He laughed, looked in the mirror, mumbled something about ‘damned London pigeons’ and wiped it off.” Alexei Smalinov said when approached.

Apparently Gorbachev knew of the sky spawned butt licorice when it happened but was unable to wipe it off as he was posing for an outdoor wax exhibit for Madame Tussauds in Trafalgar Square, and needed to keep the pose. The poo was forgotten and later became known as the birth mark that wasn’t. The offending pigeon was never found. flaccid

GREENWICH, UK – The global numbers Union are today mourning the passing of member 535, after finding the metaphysical body in his or her flat. Police are not treating the investigation as suspicious having found a suicide note.

“It’s fucked! If people weren’t lazy and stopped referring to only quarters and evens, my mate wouldn’t be dead. His death will be a constant reminder that numbers are important, as people will notice he is missing and question why…”

“This is what happens when nobody pays attention to you…” said Union President number 69.

“We aren’t shocked by this, and if anything a little worried that the actions of 535 will create a snowball effect… just imagine if 536 through to 544 were to feel they too are worthless to the number system… it would create a lapse in global time systems…and that would be catastrophic!”

A good friend of 535, 245 knows his friend will be missed, and hopes the death will remind humans to treat all numbers with the respect they deserve… “It’s fucked! If people weren’t lazy and stopped referring to only quarters and evens, my mate wouldn’t be dead. His death will be a constant reminder that numbers are important, as people will notice he is missing and question why…”

The Numbers Union plans to implement an educational awareness program that it hopes will encourage the greater community to focus less on certain numbers, and use the broad spectrum, “We need people saying they are having a 5m 35sec shower… not just 5 minutes… especially when they know by the time they dry themselves and actually step out 5 minutes will have passed.” said 69. flaccid

KINGS CASTLE, ENG – A class of young eggs have been offered psychological help following a fable reading which described, in gory detail, the death of England’s most renowned egg Humpty Dumpty.

“I’ve been screaming in my sleep so loud the rest of the carton are starting to freak out!”

The Kings Castle Free Range Grammar School students were forced to endure the whole Humpty Dumpty fable, as told by relief teacher Mr Barnaby Laid, before being asked to submit a paper giving detailed reasons for the death; be it murder, suicide or a horrible accident.

Class dux Miss Jemima Carton was shocked by the incident, “It was horrible, because it was all so detailed. He described how, when Humpty cracked, white began to ‘seep out’ onto the sidewalk and into the gutter. And then he asked us to question how he died. Until now I thought it was just an accident…” Another student, Peter Poached, decided to take up the school offer of voluntary psychological assistance, claiming Mr Laid’s voice was still in his head, “It was so deep, and croaky it scared the fricken yoke out of me! I’ve been screaming in my sleep so loud the rest of the carton are starting to freak out!”

School principal Mr Frank Substitute was not available for comment, but released a statement not only indemnifying Mr Laid, but re-invigorating the whole Dumpty death debate:

“…We applaud our teacher for breaking from the curriculum set by our current right-wing cage laid, fascist governmental institutions, who for years have been trying to indoctrinate our young eggs with a false reality. We cannot and will not let Dumpty be forgotten…”

The government is yet to react to the statement, but an Oval Carton insider made it clear there would be repercussions: “The President is seriously pissed! He’ll be cracking shells open before the end of the week…” Mr Laid will continue to relieve at the school until further notice. flaccid

3-dimensional versions of Bam & Gumpy terrorise Hawaii

HAWAII, USA – After pleas from the US government, Bam & Gumpy; The Chosen Ones swung into action late Friday afternoon to face off against, and destroy the evil scourge of a seriously ugly giant version of themselves in the centre of Honolulu.

Using their powers of sarcasm, flatulence, and a hint of smug along with the latest in ‘sonic coolicity’ laser gun technology, they beat their wannabe 2D foes into submission; tea

ring each a new asshole, before putting both boots into each of the new and old asshole’s, and sending them back into the Pacific ocean.

“…It was awesome! If it wasn’t for Bam&Gumpy, beating those weird-ass freaks Hawaii would be neck high in fuck-ugliness right about now!” Stated an onlooker as she watched Bam&Gumpy fight off their distorted 3Dselves.

“If it wasn’t for Bam&Gumpy, beating those weird-ass freaks Hawaii would be neck high in fuck-ugliness right about now!”

Created by the Chosen Ones’ arch nemesis Dr G Colonfilling, using stolen samples of DNA from the ultra cool 2-dimensional Bam & Gumpy, and then spliced with 3-dimensional background characters; the clones were meant to mirror the masters of indifference… but a ‘drawing delay’ left them to fester on Graf Master Mick’s studio floor for three consecutive episodes; amongst the nuclear detritus of nasty-ass half eaten donuts, MDMA baggies, and an almost entire bottle of Pygmy brand quick grow…the result; massive fuck headed freak monsters!

Bam & Gumpy were unavailable for comment; however they did issue a statement confirming absolutely nothing. flaccid