LOS ANGELES, USA – There were scenes of mass hysteria on Tuesday night as a herd of horses galloped along Hollywood Boulevard wearing fake vampire teeth and neighing for blood; resulting in the deaths of eight Japanese tourists and two local transients.

“They had no idea a team of marauding vampire horses neighing uncontrollably while hoofing it down Hollywood Boulevard would scare anyone…”

It became apparent the following day that former television personality Mr Ed and several friends were known to have been the animals at the centre of what is being described as ‘Horse Fools gone wrong’.

“According to Ed it was just a harmless ‘DVD bonus feature’ prank that unfortunately resulted in the deaths of several people,” said local architect, and owner of Mr Ed; Wilbur Post. “They had no idea a team of marauding vampire horses neighing uncontrollably while hoofing it down Hollywood Boulevard would scare anyone; they’re just horses for fuck sake!”

Mr Ed suggested the blame may lay elsewhere: “if those hobo’s weren’t sleeping in that gutter, the Japanese tourists wouldn’t have tripped over them and fallen into the path of an oncoming bus…we can’t be blamed for that. It was just a little, relatively harmless mayhem that may have resulted in some deaths…what’s all the fuss? Willlbuurrrr!”

Sales for the soon to be released DVD of the famed show are now expected to skyrocket. Flaccid.

Above: Kobra Kai boss John Creese lays the law down to Mr Miyagi after his last casino indiscretion.

LOS ANGELES, USA – Local handyman Mr Miyagi is in trouble with the Kobra Kai casino again, according to reports emanating from the streets over the past few days.

“…Danielson could have been an Italian Chuck Norris…”

Sources close to Miyagi have said the reluctant karate teacher earlier today attempted to negotiate a deal with the notoriously shady Kobra Kai Casino boss John Kreese, in order to pay off the pokie debts he had accrued over several consecutive ‘saki’ binge nights at the casino. Those negotiations had “not gone well” suggested one of the sources.

Mr Miyagi had originally planned to place a large bet (using his Bonsai fused Marijuana plant side business) on former prodigy Daniel LaRusso to win in the upcoming ‘All Valley Karate Tournament’; using the winnings to pay off the Cobra Kai debt. However that idea failed to materialise when Miyagi learned that LaRusso had given up the fame associated with the legendary ‘crane’ position to become a career crackhead; living in a low budget trailer park with de-facto Ali and their three children.

“He was devastated at the time” said a close friend describing Mr Miyagi’s response to LaRusso’s situation, “he told me he felt ‘much pain’ upon discovering the kid was a junkie. He said ‘Danielson could have been an Italian Chuck Norris’ but was now no more than a ‘junkie scumbucket’.”

No details have yet emerged in relation to the negotiations that had ‘not gone well’, but it was rumoured that Miyagi may have been asked to hand over the keys to his beloved rice paper love shack. flaccid

LOS ANGELES, USA – In a bizarre twist of fate for a now ass-less low flying duck; a Skid Row cardboard condominium owner has actually made good on a statement he proffered to a neighbour only minutes earlier.

“…it was like instinct, man; I just bit.”

Wesley Jackson; from the third row of boxes on the corner of 7th and Kent Streets was still trying to come to terms with the news that he’d actually bitten the entire ass off a low flying duck.

“Seriously dawg…I was just tellin my man ‘Off Milk’ that I was ravenous yo! And he asked me how hungry, and I said; I was so hungry I could eat the ass out of a low flying duck. Then outta nowhere comes a duck, and it was like instinct, man; I just bit.” Jackson said to a small group of reporters; still sporting some of the duck’s faecal matter across the right side of his face.

Jackson, within hours, had been offered work on a duck shooting range as some light entertainment for Dick Cheney when he visits; but he declined, claiming it would conflict with his crack habit. The duck, at this stage has not been located. flaccid

LONDON, ENG – Camden resident Martin Cole was so adamant he would one day be wrongfully convicted for a felony, that he had a tattoo of an asshole placed on the small of his back.

“Hopefully they’ll be trying to fuck my back just long enough for the wardens to arrive. Worst case scenario I walk out of prison with a new orifice”

Cole, who has a face that seems to contain all the features associated with a stereotypical felon, was unfortunately detained on Friday for an armed robbery offence on the basis of an identikit image put together from witness descriptions; an uncanny resemblance to Cole.

He now hopes the tattoo will ensure he is not anally raped, at least for the first week of his incarceration, “Hopefully they’ll be trying to fuck my back just long enough for the wardens to arrive. Worst case scenario I walk out of prison with a new orifice”.  flaccid

VANCOUVER, CAN – Tooth Fairy was today found guilty of 5’453’672 incidents of monetary deception, and a further 5’453’667 counts of violence occasioning actual bodily harm; in what will undoubtedly become the World’s largest fraud and violence case since the International meat board was sentenced for similar indiscretions.

“have you ever tried to pay for something in Canada with a NZ dollar? It’s fucking impossible…”

However, using the Meat board case as a point of reference, Fairy’s lawyers feel they may be able to clear their client, when they move from the state courts to the supreme court… a scenario that will surely rile most in the 3 to 7 year old demographic.

“If the meat lobby can get off for deceiving every person on the planet for 50+ years, while slaughtering billions of succulent, oft tender cows, pigs and the like… we should be able to get our client off. The bruising found on the bodies of each of the ‘supposed’ victims can be just as easily attributed to walking into a door, falling out of bed or self mutilation as it could to being bashed senseless with a metal wand, and a pair of lightweight knuckle dusters! Our client is a petite little fairy with nothing but love for her customers. The weapons originally found in her possession were for self protection; she is regularly abused, both verbally and physically.” Stated Fairy’s lawyer Peter Tree soon after the verdict had been handed down.

The decision to take the matter to the Supreme Court had 8 year old Tyler Dean of the Primary School Law Association (PSLA) seething;

“I cannot believe, after all the reports of short changing, coin laundering, and violence against so many… that these idiots think they’ll get Fairy off! She is forever trying to get out of houses, without leaving a cent, but when she’s spotted she either beats the shit out of you or goes and leaves New Zealand dollars… have you ever tried to pay for something in Canada with a NZ dollar? It’s fucking impossible… and there’s no point taking it to the bank, because you’ll only get back a few cents…”

A Supreme Court verdict is not expected for months. flaccid

:::…

:::…

BYRON BAY, AUS – In response to a declaration of war made by a large group of local transients; the Byron Bay Freegan community stated its intention to fight back late last night…sending the Northern NSW tourist haven into near anarchy.

“I pulled out this half eaten burger before any of those dero’s even realised I was in the fricken dumpster…they can have my scraps bitches!

Tensions between the local groups had been extraordinarily high for months; yet the flashpoint that triggered what has been called a ‘civil war’ of sorts, came about when Melbourne Freegan tourist Stevie Ownsacat threw a half consumed cup of Soy Chai latte out of a dumpster and onto homeless tourist John Reeks. Within hours mayhem had taken hold of the streets.

“It’s really scary,” said an unemployed Sydney student who had been seriously considering a permanent career move into the area, “I never realised Byron Bay was a war zone. How can I sunbake and drink coffee at local cafes when I’m forever paranoid a Freegan and a bum might come to blows over a bin located within metres of my person!””

Freegan community leader Lester Boefinkle felt negotiation was no longer an option: Fuck’em…I have every right to employ my alternative living strategies based on limited participation in the conventional economy and minimal consumption of resources. And anyway, I pulled out this half eaten burger before any of those dero’s even realised I was in the fricken dumpster…they can have my scraps bitches!”

A representative for the transients known simply as ‘Off Milk’ was quoted as saying something along the lines of “we’ll just eat’em…if it’s in a dumpster it’s rubbish right,” but this couldn’t be entirely verified due to a complete lack of verbal coherency.

The war is expected to extend throughout summer as both sides continue to strengthen numbers with the onset of warmer weather. Flaccid

:::…

Above: A heavily inebriated man plays the role of 'drunk jenga game board'. flaccid

:::…

SYDNEY, AUS – A relatively stupid looking local bartender was heard yesterday pronouncing the ‘Moet’ of French champagne Moet & Chandon as ‘Mo-ee’. Upon hearing this, French woman Alina G responded by calling the relatively stupid bartender a “fucking philistine,” before loudly and drunkenly attempting to educate the “stupid, stupid idiot.” flaccid

RICHMOND, AUS – Shambling is back as the most common style of moving from point A to point B in the once thriving Melbourne suburb of Richmond; something not seen since back in the early days of the 20th century. The decision of locals to take on what was seen as an almost forgotten practice came when a mass infection – accidentally created by excessively persistent squeegee junkies – took hold of the area. flaccid

TEXAS, USA – A scientific study into the reasons why some men have exceptionally small,almost irrelevant penises found an intriguingly unexpected result. Of the 21,036 unfortunately endowed men taking part in the largest study of its kind; 99.95% had a pet American Staffordshire Pitbull with its testicles intact.
When one of the participants suggested their pitbull was actually an American Staffi, a scientist responded: “they’re the same thing little dick!” flaccid

MELBOURNE, AUS – Local area man Baron Nentoura today officially patented a flatulence ‘catch and release’ pad which is widely expected to revolutionise the odour industry.

“They’ll never need to apologise for offloading again; in fact they’ll probably be thanked…especially if they’ve got a potpourri pad in, and they’re sitting on a bus full of pensioners.”

Smells like Roses catches the gas released from the sphincter and immediately distributes a shot of fragrance in its place. “I came up with the idea when the missus kept attempting to blame the dog for her seriously noxious indiscretions; claiming that it couldn’t be her as her ass smells like roses,” said Nentoura, “now when she says it, it’s technically true.”

The product has already been endorsed by several industry heavyweights, among those the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Society of Australia. IBSSA spokesperson Julia Jables believes IBS sufferers will buy the pads in their droves, “this could be the mechanism that allows Irritable bowel sufferers to venture back out into the real world instead of living vicariously through their Sim characters and Facebook profile. They’ll never need to apologise for offloading again; in fact they’ll probably be thanked…especially if they’ve got a potpourri pad in, and they’re sitting on a bus full of pensioners.”

Nentoura plans to release a large range of fragranced pads; vanilla bean, potpourri, rose petal, cookies and cream, lavender and grape flavoured bubblegum among those.

The pads are expected to be on sale in the coming months. flaccid

NEW YORK, USA – Colgate launched a new campaign on Monday to rebrand its popular Sensitive line of toothpastes as the leading oral care product for men and women prone to picking up cockheads. The affordable toothpaste promises to repel any tosser in a 500 metre radius and is clinically proven to help prevent one-night stands your friends won’t ever let you forget.

“…Within a matter of hours you’ll notice you’re less inclined to talk to losers, wankers, players and douches…”

“We recommend you use it everyday so you can build up a tolerance to attracting total fucking idiots,” spokesperson Lisa Lonuts said. “Within a matter of hours you’ll notice you’re less inclined to talk to losers, wankers, players and douches. Who wouldn’t want to relieve the anxiety of that!”

Lonuts added it will give you more chance at finding someone happy to pleasure you first. “Unfortunately, it won’t improve the taste of your new man’s love sauce,” she added. “But it will eventually eradicate the number of twats out there.” K Irving

MELBOURNE, AUS – Random Melbourne resident Mitchell Droop was today wondering why, with the exception of Roger, all his friends choose to use fruit based handwash and not rich, creamy milk options.

“Mitchell doesn’t stop…you can hear him in the bathroom talking to himself, ‘I can’t believe he has patchouli & berry handwash’ and ‘I’m gonna buy that fruity smelling dick a milky handwash’…”

“Maybe I’m just used to the rich lather, and silken feel of a creamy handwash like Rogers Milk & Honey; but when I go over to Pete, Mark or Ruperts joints, they’re all using fruity handwash.” Said Droop… “none of them smell good, especially the Jasmine and Sandlewood that Mark uses…it reeks like that fragrance old people use to hide the odour from their colostomy bags”

According to friend Rupert, Mitchell is a little too anal when it comes to handwash, “I’ve never met such a finicky fuck! Mitchell doesn’t stop…you can hear him in the bathroom talking to himself, ‘I can’t believe he has patchouli & berry handwash’ and ‘I’m gonna buy that fruity smelling dick a milky handwash’…it’s fucked up; he needs to sort his shit out.” flaccid

NEW YORK, USA – The New York Police Department today issued a warrant for the arrest of former Sesame Street gay icon ‘Bert’, after closed circuit television footage caught the muppet holding up a 7-Eleven on West 42^nd Street. He was later spotted in Christopher Park near the Gay Liberation Monument; soliciting trade. If you see this muppet the NYPD have advised not to approach him, call the Crime division on (718) 802-4336. flaccid

WHITEPLACE, HEA – God has run out of patience for extremely religious Texas area married mother of two Joan Clements, according to sources close to the creator. Supposedly Joan happens to have poor timing whenever she asks the lord to bless her meals, and it is starting to grate with the almighty.

“Just the other day God was creating the universe Nebulo on the outskirts of the Cardoha galaxy. Intricate stuff…and then Joan’s squeaky fricken voice chimes in: ‘We thank you lord for giving us the opportunity to eat this chicken fried steak’…”

“The boss is a busy non gender specific individual. He/she hasn’t got time to acknowledge Joan’s family whenever they eat! Just the other day God was creating the universe Nebulo on the outskirts of the Cardoha galaxy. Intricate stuff…and then Joan’s squeaky fricken voice chimes in: ‘We thank you lord for giving us the opportunity to eat this chicken fried steak’…he/she doesn’t even like you fuckers eating cows!” Said Pearly Gates security manager Saint Peter.

He continued, “…Thankfully we won’t have to deal with Joan, when that time comes…she’s been too good. Ol Beelzebub gets the good ones.” Saint Peter also pointed out a few other gripes held by the creator, “He/she can’t stand those damn Jehovah’s witnesses…two of them came knocking on the gates the other day and God yells out ‘if it’s those fricken Jehovah’s, whatever you do don’t invite them in…they’ll never leave!’.

“…And then there are the sinless that make up sins so they can repent something each week. God has no time for fakes…it would be like you watching a Jerry Springer show, and the guests all turn out to be actors…when someone repents they should picture themselves as a guest on Jerry…the more fucked up the sin the better. flaccid

TEXAS, USA – A male looking a lot like Democratic running mate John Edwards addressed a Republican party rally earlier today wearing a George Bush mask. By the end of his speech, the man in the mask had the packed auditorium chanting “Democrats in, fanatically religious war mongering Republicans out!”

“When George started with ‘I am George, I can’t count to ten, and I haven’t read ‘Fetch the ball spot‘ I knew we were in for something big. He was so honest up there. But I must say, his skin was a little droopy… his whole face nearly fell off at one stage.”

Rally organiser and part-time rodeo clown with naturally enormous feet, Randy Aldatime, was confused yet agreed with the speech: “When George started with ‘I am George, I can’t count to ten, and I haven’t read ‘Fetch the ball spot‘ I knew we were in for something big. He was so honest up there. But I must say, his skin was a little droopy… his whole face nearly fell off at one stage.”

The man in the mask elaborated on a broad range of White House failures since the Republican party took office. From the lack of action on terrorism prior to 9/11, to the poor shape of the economy, and the misdirection of environmental choices. Completing each sentence with ‘that’s why I’m voting Democrat’.

Democratic running mate John Edwards who, by chance, happened to be answering press questions in an alleyway behind the stage only minutes after the mask wearer stepped away from the podium, was not at all shocked by the speech: “I always said ‘Dick, rule number 1 of ventriloquism… never let the doll out of your sight”

The rally was made up of Seventh Day Adventists, The Saudi Royal family, White Power clergy, a large group of people with white hats and big rubber finger-pointing hands, and Eugel the Norwegian hotdog vending monkey.

The real George W, dazed and confused with a noticeable lump on the back of his head; climbed out of a bin in the alleyway soon after. When questioned as to whether he could count to ten, the President shook his head and asked “does Spot get the ball?” flaccid

WASHINGTON, USA – George Bush announced yesterday a radical plan to stop global warming… by creating the worlds’ largest air-conditioner.

Up until this announcement, the Republican Party leadership had towed the line of ignorance, claiming that ‘Global Warming’ was nothing more than an environmentalist load of bollocks. This acknowledgement may have opened the floodgates of good fortune for the global population with Democrats talking up a renewal of Kyoto protocol discussions.

The idea supposedly came about soon after the President sat in on a Year 3 class of eight year old children at Talahassee Primary School, in Southern Texas late last week. The teacher began by asking the class whether they knew what ‘global warming’ was. Although George was first to raise his hand, the teacher picked Stuart Porter-Dean, 7 and a half, sitting at the back of the classroom. Porter-Dean, relating it to the time his parents took him to Mexico on one of their ‘fill your bottom Stuart’ runs, surmised that it was when the Earth starts to feel too hot and begins to sweat. The teacher followed up by asking Porter-Dean how he would stop ‘global warming’, whereby he came up with the idea of a huge air-conditioner.

In a press conference soon after Bush’s announcement, Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld conceded the idea was not actually the brainchild of the President, but that of little Stuart Porter-Dean. And following talks with the child’s father stated they would name the air-conditioner after Stuart.

“They name comets after people. For fucks sake, they even name cyclones! I just wanted my son to be rewarded for his idea.” Quipped Stuarts father Roger.

A start date for the construction of the STU-PD Air-Conditioner is yet to be finalised, but immediate plans are underway, with the appointment of a committee, which will include the concept creator Stuart Porter-Dean as the Chief Design Coordinator. Rumsfeld named Texas the home of the project, citing the environmental plus of using electricity surges from the local prison system to power the STU-PD Air-conditioner. flaccid

Flaccid News writer BAM gives his views on the result of the 2004 US Presidential election that saw George Bush voted in for a second term; ahead of Democratic nominee John Kerry.

The only conclusion gained from the 2004 US Presidential election is that just over half of the American voting population are backward, inbred trailer-trash fucks who obviously haven’t travelled outside their own county, let alone state… unless of course to appear on the Jerry Springer show.

What about Barbara, his cousin? Does she know the medication they give their son Billy Bob jnr is going to cost more under the Republicans?

More than half of the enrolled voters – some 57 million – decided it would be better to give a born again Christian puppet more time, than to allow a decorated former war hero with an astute mind and thoughtful ideology the opportunity to correct the mistakes of recent ultra-conservative US policy. Now just under half the US population as well as the rest of the world are going to have to endure another four years of the most corrupt American administration since the Nixon era.

Doesn’t Trailer owner Billy Bob from Pentivo, Utah realise his vote has jeopardised his $2 p/hour job cleaning shit off toilet seats at Randy’s Steakhouse? What about Barbara, his cousin? Does she know the medication they give their son Billy Bob jnr is going to cost more under the Republicans? Obviously not… but Billy Bob & Barbara unfortunately there is a little more to your vote than a drop in pay for cleaning up misdirected digested cow, or pills for inbreeding deformities…

Your vote and those of the ‘red states’ have just contributed to another four years of extreme volatility in the US and international economies. You have sped up the process of global warming… handed Ariel Sharon his own set of keys to the Palestinian lands, given Bin Laden another four years to plot shit in your backyard, and helped load the bomb that’ll be landing on Salib Husseini’s recent house extension in downtown Baghdad!

You are already disliked by almost an entire global population, now you’ve given George four more years to make us hate you. But you voted for Bush because he was going to protect you from terror… and that is why America, you’re fucked!

Billy Bob, you have had four years to watch this administration make the wrong decisions on everything, from leaving Afghanistan prematurely, to entering Iraq illegally, and negotiating with North Korea improperly. Your Commander in Chief, Billy is as stupid as you… and I know deep down you know you can’t even run your trailer let alone the Worlds largest economy. Yet you voted for George…

So where does that leave the USA? You are already disliked by almost an entire global population, now you’ve given George four more years to make us hate you. The gap in ideas, beliefs and direction between the globally aware coastal states, and the landlocked religious freakshow that is the Bush heartland will continue unabated. Fortunately 1460 days is all the constitution will allow George, although that is more than enough time for him to completely fuck America…BAM

BETHLEHEM, PAL – The only recorded case of immaculate conception may have been false following claims revealed in a parchment found in a Jerusalem excavation, that noted Mary (mother of Jesus) was no longer accepting frankincence or myrrh as payment for ‘services’.

“If he only puts it in for two strokes…does that count?”

The site of the excavation, the former offices of the Bethlehem Leper – one of the most respected publications of the time – unearthed some sensational contradictions to the Bible story. One of which was that Mary was not only ‘not’ a virgin…but quite possibly the most successful call-girl in all of Judaea.

The cover story of an issue found, dated the 27th March 1BC, had the heading ‘Mary: No more frankincence or myrrh…only gold or Roman empire shares for services’. Although the article does not explicitly state that ‘services’ were of a sexual nature, and may well have been for pilates classes or crack, sack and back waxing for which Mary was a known practitioner, her quotes provide damning (albeit debatable) proof that she was not a virgin:

“If he only puts it in for two strokes…does that count?” And “if that fucker claims he popped my cherry I’ll bury him!”

Chief excavation analyst for the site, Joanne DeMourning, was upbeat about the findings though also aware they would create a global debate, “On one hand you have to be happy when you find something that could change the way we look at fundamental pieces of our history…but wow, two strokes in my book equals penetration. Slow or fast, those strokes amount to a cherry popping any way you look at it!”

Founder of the Sexual Partner Statistics Foundation (SPSF), Hans Enpochets, pleaded for caution when debating this subject, “There has always been a grey area between two strokes counting as intercourse, or just a tickle…we are of the belief that if he pushed it all the way in for each of the strokes, and they were slow strokes, then Mary had her cherry popped. But the information given to me doesn’t confirm that, so we may unfortunately never know.” flaccid

US EMBASSY CABLES: The following files were recently released by Flaccid News after Wikileaks failed to deem them of relevance. Flaccid News feels these files should be in the public domain and that if Julian Assange really did copulate with two Swedish girls at the same time; it means there is a chance that any thin, pale, borderline albino man can potentially fulfill his sauna dream dating back to the John Holmes’ days…for this we should all be grateful.

CANBERRA, AUS – According to recent US Embassy cables, former Prime Minister of Australia John Howard, had planned to sell off his exceptionally large fluffy eyebrows in an attempt to rejuvenate the country’s lagging fur trade.

Costello would do anything to get out of the Robin suit…even if it meant pleasing Janette for an evening!

One insider was quoted in the cables as suggesting the eyebrows were what stole him the 1996 election; “if it weren’t for those fuck-off big brows of his lil Johnny would have been in opposition until 99. The way they moved in the breeze took the attention away from the truly awful policies he was offering. Getting rid of those things will undoubtedly turn the Australian fur trade around…but at what price? It’d be like Batman handing Robin his suit and asking him to go and please Vicki Vail for the night. Costello would do anything to get out of the Robin suit…even if it meant pleasing Janette for an evening!” flaccid

MELBOURNE, AUS – The Moore family of St Kilda held a press conference today to explain their astonishment at the complete lack of talent on the recently completed season of Australian Idol.

“I know we must take into account most true performers with any self worth, or dignity wouldn’t be tempted onto the show…but a mute with a busted ukulele, and a sack of the worst dick tricks known to man could put on a better performance” claimed Daniel; father and house husband. flaccid

MELBOURNE, AUS – It was clarified today that St Kilda Road landmark building ANL House is NOT a lube and ass-plug emporium. Nor is it a call centre for gay chat-lines.

The revelation came about when a janitor from the building’s cleaning company was asked if he had seen any dildo’s, lube, or butt-plugs lying around.

“No.” was his response. flaccid

COLORADO, USA – A text with the acronym LOL – laughs out loud – sent from a gay friend, freaked out a straight Peter Dhomas today.
“ I thought it meant ‘lots of love,’ said Dhomas.
“ It does mean ‘lots of love’ doesn’t it?” Said the gay friend when questioned . flaccid

MANCHESTER, ENG -  Supposed friend Shelly Bloxall dropped by the residence of Louise Mardi Tuesday night,  and proceeded to eat 6 of the 8 slices of vegetarian pizza that had just been delivered. She then blocked the toilet with what Mardi claims must have been her ‘entire guts’

“Shelly came over, ate 6 slices of pizza, then said she had stomach cramps, and went to the toilet. Next thing I know she’s blocked it. She’s only small so I’m guessing she must have shat out her entire guts! And she didn’t even manage a courtesy flush.” Mardi has planned to return the favour. flaccid

LONDON, ENG – A male IT worker was rushed to the first aid room of the building in which he works, after cutting his finger on a chunk of dried snot he had left under his desk a few days earlier.

Peter Housley, 27, a closet nostril picker, passed out upon realising his own dried snot was the cause of the carnage.

“That could have been me” said Mike Gambra, a co-worker at Zilp Media. “It seems harmless when you do it, but that obviously isn’t the case.”  The man required two bandaids. flaccid

LONDON, ENG – Extremely Ugly men have had enough! Grotesquely disfigured males are de-bagging their heads and parading their ‘faces like the rectums of rotted Slovakian Llamas’ around town, according to local media.

“ It was a progression for me” said Michael Marlen of Camden, London. “ First I got rid of the photo of Brad Pitt my girlfriend had stuck to my bag. Then when i decided to take the next step she freaked! If she can’t love me for the fuck ugly bastard I am then I’ll move on and find a fuck ugly girlfriend and we’ll make some hideously fuck ugly babies together!” flaccid

SYDNEY, AUS – A young Sydney girl won this year’s Dancing while Intoxicated with her rendition of the flailing caterpillar and convulsions that culminated in a projectile vomit down her chest before peeing on the floor. She thanked “Whazzisname?” for “copious amounts of inhibition-killing liquid courage”. Multi-award winner Todd McKenny said the final decision was “an unconscious one”. K Irving

SOMEWHERE ABOVE NEW YORK, USA – Hopes sank for the Underwater Gymnastics Society when their plan to “increase memberships by deterring amorous behaviour on planes” aroused the crew onboard DX569 yesterday into a coordinated mid-air orgy. Witnesses reported passengers “livin’ it up in the cock pit” while “nude flight attendants rode exit seats like ponies”. K Irving

US EMBASSY CABLES: The following files were recently released by Flaccid News after Wikileaks failed to deem them of relevance. Flaccid News feels these files should be in the public domain and that if Julian Assange really did copulate with two Swedish girls at the same time; it means there is a chance that any thin, pale, borderline albino man can potentially fulfill his sauna dream dating back to the John Holmes’ days…for this we should all be grateful.

CANBERRA, AUS – It was revealed today in US Embassy cables, that former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd had researched a potential change in surname in the event he was forced to call a snap election in 2009; robbing him of the planned ‘Kevin11’ slogan that would come with a full four year term.

“Everybody knows Kev likes a good rhyme…but to associate oneself with the king of urban douches, would be about as useful as a dildo made out of barbed wire”

According to Labor party insiders, a secret focus group was set up to test the response to a potential change of surname from Rudd to Federline. The results of the testing suggested that most would abbreviate Federline to ‘Fed’ and more than likely do the same with Kevin; dropping the ‘evin’. Unfortunately the result ‘K-Fed’ didn’t rhyme with either 09 or 10, and would potentially result in a lawsuit from the American wannabe jughead rapper of the same name…and as such was abandoned.

“Everybody knows Kev likes a good rhyme…but to associate oneself with the king of urban douches, would be about as useful as a dildo made out of barbed wire”, said a party insider when questioned. flaccid

SAN FRANCISCO, USA – The failure of San Fransisco eatery ‘Kum Den’, to reach the final two of the annual United States ‘Special Sauce’ awards, has left the 2006 winners swallowing their pride. “They came in here so cocky! I guess the cream is on their faces now” said a gloating second place getter Richard Splurge from the Mission Street bakery/eatery ‘Cream Pie’.

“They came in here so cocky! I guess the cream is on their faces now”

For weeks leading up to the event, the proprietors of last years winning special sauce award were calling their competitors in an attempt to psyche them out. That obviously failed as they managed no better than 4th position.

The 2007 winner was the alternative New York City diner ‘The Pineapple Porridge’. flaccid

LOS ANGELES, USA -  Reports leaked to the media today confirmed rumours that the morbidly obese religious icon ‘Buddha’ will be one of the contestants on the upcoming season of biggest ‘celebrity’ loser. “Our people have been praying to his people…and a positive outcome seems imminent. The deity knows this is his best chance to shed that unwanted gut, and those man-titties…he wants to win it.” Said a station insider.

“The religious icons participation and subsequent weight loss may signal a revitalization of the miniature Buddha statue market.”

Buddha will face stiff opposition from a who’s who of the obese celebrity world, with names like Dick Cheney, Michael Moore, and Brazilian footballer Ronaldo among the males expected to be participating. “The religious icons participation and subsequent weight loss may signal a revitalization of the miniature Buddha statue market.” Said Jay Jones, analyst for the Stock journal ‘$’ noted. flaccid

TEXAS, USA -  Guinness book ‘Most Consecutive twinkies’ record holder Patricia Spudge is surprised she is fat.

The 36 year old morbidly obese woman, who has held the record for the past seven years (bettering the previous record of 3276 by Phyllis ‘the truck’ Mayfield, who died minutes after claiming the trophy at the ‘Supremely Fat’ convention in Tokyo); is mystified by the information.

“you’re too fucking fat!”

“I couldn’t believe it…I always figured the doors at my home were built by someone unable to tell the difference between a millimetre and a centimetre… until the crane malfunctioned and the operator yelled down:
‘you’re too fucking fat!’ maybe the doors weren’t so small.”  flaccid

GENOA, ITA – The first annual Forgetfulness Convention was declared a failure today as not a single person attended.

“We are guessing everybody just forgot it was happening” said a disappointed Mary James, organiser of the event.

“If this was a success we were going to hold an ‘Indifference Convention.” flaccid

NEW YORK, USA – A highly publicised show by German comedian Helter Lehmann failed massively on it’s opening night in New York, when translating problems developed among the marketing staff, headed by Parker Skelter . ‘Helter Lehmann – Postponed’ was meant to read ‘Helter Lehmann  Post-reunification’. flaccid

WORMHOLE, BAJ – The President of Iran is celebrating today after unexpectedly winning the prestigious ‘Ugliest Ferengi’ title at the annual Universal Ugly Awards held on the Deep Space 9 outpost, near the Bajoran wormhole.

Above: almost impossible to spot the difference, if one were to take away the facial hair.

“Good luck to him, he’s one ugly fucker!”

Mahmood Ahmadinezhad was unfortunately not able to pick up his award as his donkey was is not yet equipped for deep space travel.

Previous winner, and this years only other nominee, Quark was gutted at losing, but philosophical…”what can be said, other than, I was not the ugliest Ferengi. I can’t grow facial hair, and that may just be what gave Mahmood the gong. Good luck to him, he’s one ugly fucker!” flaccid

NEW YORK, USA – Local resident and drivers’ side passenger Motifa Jones was forced to push her head out of the window in order not to vomit; having dry retched repeatedly following an onslaught of breathslaps from driver Chico Mendez. “I don’t know if it is rotting teeth, or the result of a shit sandwich, but the breathslap he shot my way could have knocked out a baby giraffe!”

“I don’t know if it is rotting teeth, or the result of a shit sandwich, but the breathslap he shot my way could have knocked out a baby giraffe!”

The breathslap – a term first used by porn star Baron Nentoura when he decided it better to kiss the lower lips of a Kaplakistani street whore with an evident rash, than to kiss the gum diseased mouth that breathslapped him while shooting the now famous ‘Kaplak Crack’ – left Jones ill for at least 10 minutes, even after vacating the car.

Friends, co-workers, and Harold the local bum living in the foyer of Mr Mendez apartment block, have all urged him to visit the dentist. flaccid

DELHI, IND – The Indian book of impossible sexual positions; the Kama Sutra, today introduced a new position to its 2009 edition. The reverse titty fuck bum growl (RTFBG) is claimed to be a breath of fresh air for the often criticized publication.

“Every year our team of gifted, extremely flexible, acrobat nymphomaniacs work on new positions; the RTFBG was what they came up with…and it’s actually achievable, not like the wrap around elephant from the year previous. We received a lot of flack from animal welfare organisations for that one” said marketing spokesman Stu Runsquick-Singh. flaccid

US EMBASSY CABLES: The following files were recently released by Flaccid News after Wikileaks failed to deem them of relevance. Flaccid News feels these files should be in the public domain and that if Julian Assange really did copulate with two Swedish girls at the same time; it means there is a chance that any thin, pale, borderline albino man can potentially fulfill his sauna dream dating back to the John Holmes’ days…for this we should all be grateful.

WASHINGTON, USA – According to US cables recently released by WikiLeaks; Condi Rice’s love of Burrito Brothers infamous ‘Flush out ya colon’ burrito was said to have caused all sorts of tension amongst every person working within the White house.

“Those burritos don’t even have onions, yet the results through Condi make your eyes water in an instant!” said a White House insider when questioned about the leak. flaccid

:::…

WEEKEND SUPPLEMENT

A map with directions to the hideout of Osama Bin Laden printed in the weekend supplement Where do these bastards live? was in fact the wrong map.

We sincerely apologise to Mahkmed Ashami for any broken windows, poisoned mules, or early morning raids that may have occurred.

:::…

OBITUARIES

An obituary yesterday about Ralph J Tulip, chief designer of the best selling anus scoop for the severely constipated; attributed a distinction to him erroneously. It was Ross P Jenson, not Ralph who first demonstrated the device at a bran launch in 1951.

:::…

flaccid

:::…

Do you turn heads when walking the street? If so, grotesquelyuglypeople.com want you! We are holding a casting to find a new face to promote our site. Have you been told you have a head like a Madagascan rectum-faced river dwelling pygmy herder? Yes? Then we want you! Adno: 24697

:::…

Lonely 40+ seeks companionship. Still living at home. Unsure of sexual preference. 1.4inch penis. Hobbies include writing pathetic hypocritical dribble to advertisers in free press publications, whenever someone exerts their right to free speech. Adno: 69561

:::…

Earn $$$ without leaving home! 1900 BABES is looking for chain smoking 40+ female welfare recipients with four or more dependents to service inbound callers. Any form of cigarette related throat disease an advantage. Adno: 26943

:::…

Do you see dead people? New reality show Necrophilia is looking for individuals that have had a recent relationship with a corpse, to audition for new season.   Adno: 56941

:::…

Dial-a-ho is now servicing your area. If you’re on home detention, or stuck without a car and unable to get to your local brothel…you need worry no longer, as we will come to you! If you need a whore, at your door, watcha waiting for? Call dial-a-ho, and get yourself a blow! Adno: 42169

:::…

Transexual seeks well hung hetero for hardcore BDM, DBA, DPWS and HHLA. Must have own horse! Adno: 42167

:::…

Do you possess blind faith and a love of egomaniacal dictators? We may have a position for you..Call 1800-beaweapon or visit blowyourselfup.com now!  Adno: 24697

:::…

Crack fluff collector seeks crack fluff. Willing to pay for good crack fluff. Not interested in navel fluff. Adno: 69561

:::…

flaccid

SYDNEY, AUS – It’s official, Chinese made replica Barbie’s (usually given names like Mary, Petunia and Flange) have more fun.

According to a recent poll conducted by the ‘Toy Love Society’, kids that are given a Chinese made ‘Flange’ doll are 10 times more likely to manipulate it into a sexual position, than if they were given a ‘Barbie’ doll… which are in 95% of cases made to perform menial cleaning tasks around the Pink Summer Fun Campervan.

“the Chinese replica Flange has bits of excess plastic hanging off in random places, and usually has a bigger head…”

“I think it has something to do with the pristine features of Barbie… kids love making her do all the cleaning because th

ey know in real life a stuck up little skank princess would usually never be caught dead cleaning Ken’s misdirected digested cow and chilli curry. Whereas the Chinese replica Flange has bits of excess plastic hanging off in random places, and usually has a bigger head… kids seem to think she is more representativ

e of the current Paris Hilton inspired dirty slutty whorebags that are so cool at the moment.” Said Bobby Wang of the Toy Love Society. flaccid

BANGKOK, THA – In a major shock to backpackers travelling through South East Asia, the DVDs they are purchasing from local markets are actually fakes.

“My Rolex filled with water in the shower, the lenses in my Gucci’s fell out, and the Man U kit shrank to a kids size in the wash! I should have asked for receipts.”

Roger Davis – an English backpacker – was a little unsure of his purchase; Gran Torino, when he noticed the double AA battery sign in the bottom left corner of the screen, and someone asking to pass the popcorn. “I think I may have been rorted, but I’ll have to watch the movie on the big screen just to see if there is a part where a woman in the front row goes down on a guy”

The revelation has led Davis to question some of his other Thai market purchases…

“My Rolex filled with water in the shower, the lenses in my Gucci’s fell out, and the Man U kit shrank to a kids size in the wash! I should have asked for receipts.” flaccid

MOSCOW, RUS – After 34 years in the public spotlight Mikhail Gorbachev finally wiped the bird shit from his forehead. It came about during a drunken shindig at the residence of the former Soviet leader. A friend was noted as saying ‘Mikhail can you please wipe that shit off your head! It’s starting to crust over’.

“How do you inform the leader of a global superpower that he has bird shit on his forehead?

Initially thought to have been discarded by a white crested dove on the outskirts of Novibirski; the splatter of faeces has been confirmed to have come from the poo shoot of a London pigeon.

“How do you inform the leader of a global superpower that he has bird shit on his forehead? For many years this was an unanswered question. Last night we were very drunk and I just happened to throw it in. He laughed, looked in the mirror, mumbled something about ‘damned London pigeons’ and wiped it off.” Alexei Smalinov said when approached.

Apparently Gorbachev knew of the sky spawned butt licorice when it happened but was unable to wipe it off as he was posing for an outdoor wax exhibit for Madame Tussauds in Trafalgar Square, and needed to keep the pose. The poo was forgotten and later became known as the birth mark that wasn’t. The offending pigeon was never found. flaccid

BERLIN, GER – A banana milkshake tasting a lot more like vanilla was the subject of a heated debate between a customer and the café worker that created the shake late yesterday.

Nicholas Kreiler of downtown Berlin ordered the banana shake in question from Jens Fulkder at uptown café Schlapp. After one solid suck, Kreiler blurted out to the horror of the café patrons “this banana shake tastes like vanilla!” Fulkder immediately asked Kreiler to ‘calm the fuck down’ or else he would slap him round like the ‘orally senseless bitch he was’. Whereby Kreiler reiterated his previous comment, following it up with ‘you vanilla tasting banana shake making uptown twat!’

“It was one of the scariest situations i think I have ever witnessed” said former WWII SS Commander Limper Bitz. flaccid

BALYKCHY, KYR – Voider Lakayev, a potato farmer from the small Kyrgyzstan town of Bashti won a million Som in the Kyrgyzstani version of ‘Who wants to be a millionaire’ on Thursday night.

“He did very well. I thought the answer was gonorrhea but lucky for him I don’t know my own rash!

The event watched by almost a million people, was three shows in the making, and culminated in what many considered to be a trick question. Lakayev, with no lifelines left, was asked ‘What venereal rash did acclaimed mathematician Viktor Lubda pick up when he travelled to Botswana in 1999?’.

(Considered a trick question as Lubda had a penchant for crack whores, and picked up three separate venereal diseases in the space of four years travelling to Africa)

Lakayev picked C…gonad rot.

Host Laschti Laschtic tore up the small cheque and called out Roishti the Llama with a bikini clad unshaven model on his back holding a metre wide million Som cardboard cheque. The million Som cheque, equivalent to US$10, was signed off and handed over to Lakayev amid a barrage of balloons and confetti.

Kyrgyzstani President Askar Akayevich Akayev was on hand to witness the event, and paid tribute to Lakayev, “He did very well. I thought the answer was gonorrhea but lucky for him I don’t know my own rash!” flaccid

Fatty and Skinny tree branch snap ordeal

DOVER, ENG – Marsha ‘fatty’ Boombah today squished her lover of three weeks James ‘Skinny’ Asbones when the tree branch they were occupying snapped.

Boombah and Asbones had been K-i-s-s-i-n-g’ing when the red oak branch gave way under their weight leaving a two metre fall into a thicket of bushes. Boombah escaped without injury, although Asbones was less fortunate, squished by the weight of his lover when he attempted to cushion her fall.

Teasing song chorus leader Tonya Templer who saw the whole ordeal was quoted as saying: “Skinny got squished bad!”

Asbones is expected to make a full recovery. flaccid

GREENWICH, UK – The global numbers Union are today mourning the passing of member 535, after finding the metaphysical body in his or her flat. Police are not treating the investigation as suspicious having found a suicide note.

“It’s fucked! If people weren’t lazy and stopped referring to only quarters and evens, my mate wouldn’t be dead. His death will be a constant reminder that numbers are important, as people will notice he is missing and question why…”

“This is what happens when nobody pays attention to you…” said Union President number 69.

“We aren’t shocked by this, and if anything a little worried that the actions of 535 will create a snowball effect… just imagine if 536 through to 544 were to feel they too are worthless to the number system… it would create a lapse in global time systems…and that would be catastrophic!”

A good friend of 535, 245 knows his friend will be missed, and hopes the death will remind humans to treat all numbers with the respect they deserve… “It’s fucked! If people weren’t lazy and stopped referring to only quarters and evens, my mate wouldn’t be dead. His death will be a constant reminder that numbers are important, as people will notice he is missing and question why…”

The Numbers Union plans to implement an educational awareness program that it hopes will encourage the greater community to focus less on certain numbers, and use the broad spectrum, “We need people saying they are having a 5m 35sec shower… not just 5 minutes… especially when they know by the time they dry themselves and actually step out 5 minutes will have passed.” said 69. flaccid

PESHAWAR, PAK – Al Qa’eda leaders are planning to open their wire fenced training camp doors to the public this weekend for what they are calling ‘Osama day’.

“We have Bin Laden face masks, a commando course, and Afghan cave rat shooting with 70year old kalishnikovs for the kids!”

The decision came about as a way of involving themselves in the global community. “We have Bin Laden face masks, a commando course, and Afghan cave rat shooting with 70year old kalishnikovs for the kids!” Said open day organiser Bin Ali Bin Mohommad…
“And you don’t want to miss Osama Klaus & his 12 magical donkeys! He’ll have financial backing for any prospective terrorist organisations. Everybody is welcome.” The barbed wire will be removed from 10am. flaccid

US EMBASSY CABLES: The following files were recently released by Flaccid News after Wikileaks failed to deem them of relevance. Flaccid News feels these files should be in the public domain and that if Julian Assange really did copulate with two Swedish girls at the same time; it means there is a chance that any thin, pale, borderline albino man can potentially fulfill his sauna dream dating back to the John Holmes’ days…for this we should all be grateful.

BAGHDAD, IRQ – Files recently found in one of the palaces originally owned by now dead former Iraqi Dictator Saddam Hussein, were given to the press today. The files brought to light a plot that was to use prostitutes with serious venereal diseases as a weapon against ‘Coalition’ forces.

“Just imagine the skankiest crack-whores in Iraq unleashed on a battalion of horny military servicemen. It would be a night of frivolous fun, followed by weeks of uncontrollable itching, pissing blood, and in the worst cases, gonad rot!”

The ousted dictator planned to amass an army of the most sordid rash ridden hookers in Baghdad, and send them off to turn tricks with US military; leaving the forces in a state of venereal mayhem.

“It’s ingenious! The idea would have taken guerrilla warfare into a brave new world…” Said Lasiter McHenry, author of the famed How to Win a War and sell mistresses warfare series. “Just imagine the skankiest crack-whores in Iraq unleashed on a battalion of horny military servicemen. It would be a night of frivolous fun, followed by weeks of uncontrollable itching, pissing blood, and in the worst cases, gonad rot!”

Captain Michael Legwinsky of the 33rd Infantry battalion currently stationed in Najaf painted a grim picture of what may have happened if this plan had been set in motion, “We would have been fucked. Literally. We have a backup plan for an outbreak of flu, of measles, hell even a case of SARS! But an outbreak of the clap, itchy scrote… or nad rot. We got no defence. In this climate, where ball sweat is commonplace, it’d be like feeding termites damp wood! It’d bring morale to an all time low. flaccid

MELBOURNE, AUS – The crew behind notorious 2-dimensional band BUGM; Bam & Gumpy were today forced to fend off criticism from a crowd of irate ginger headed protesters after the release of the not very much anticipated floor filler ‘Do tha Rangathang’…inspired by the recent election of Australia’s first female Prime Minister and ginger, Julia Gillard.

If you can’t view the video on this page, click on the ‘permanent link’ text above.

VENICE BEACH, USA – A local Venice Beach woman was furious today after continuous attempts to stop a Station road squeegee junkie from wiping away the grime on her window, went unnoticed. Fiona Gee was practically livid when, for the fourth consecutive time this week she was approached by what she has touted ‘the most fucking persistent bunch of crackheads with squeegees she has ever come across.

“I as waving my arms around like a complete fucking idiot. What’s worse is he told me he’ll give me a free one; and then, once he’d finished he tapped on the window and waited for me to pay…fucking clapped-out crackheads. Give a junkie a squeegee and all of a sudden he’s a window cleaning guru!” she explained to fiancé Martin Skwee later that evening. flaccid

WASHINGTON, USA – George W Bush was inaugurated for his second term in office on a day that saw not a single attempt to assassinate him.

“Of course I was surprised. It’s always the President who is doing good things that gets shot. We could have broken that trend today.”

Even with every police officer in the US flown into Washington for the event, it was still expected that there would be at least one attempt to assassinate the mentally challenged leader as he stepped from his limousine onto Pennsylvania avenue.

American Assassination Alliance (AAA) spokesman Jack Reichman put the lack of any real attempt on the Presidents life down to the wasted bullet mentality “It’s unfortunate, but some just don’t want to waste a bullet on George. JFK is still in our minds after all this time… in 50 years the only memory of George will be ‘the stupid guy that 57 million stupid people voted in for a second term’… who wants to waste a bullet on that?”

Mike Swiftchariot, organiser of the ‘please shoot our President society’ who had been picketing for any AAA members to step up and pot a shot, claimed he was dumbfounded that no attempt was made;

“Of course I was surprised. It’s always the President who is doing good things that gets shot. We could have broken that trend today.” flaccid

As a respected journalist and citizen of the United States of America flaccid US correspondent, political analyst, and part-time hoe for Denzel’s ‘Fifty First Avenue Philly’s – solicitation has never been more tempting’; Motiffa Jones, gives her take on the Democratic nomination…

I’m a woman…but in this situation, for me, it’s bro’s before hoe’s. There, it’s settled. Obama wins by default. Now let’s get the Hilldog back under her rock. I mean really, what has she done? Think about it. I’ll wait… what? I never saw her in my village, trying to help me raise my child.

“Twice you had the opportunity to save us… we would have voted for you each time. Obama would have voted for you. Where the fuck were you?”

Now… where’s Monica Lewinski? Do we know her people? I’m sure she’s free. Her handbags didn’t do well at all (I was at Bendel’s Department Store…I know). Have you seen the Clinton’s reaction to the mere mention of her name? I say… Obama; bring the be-i-atch up! She can’t handle a question about a woman who chose to drool on her own dress; rather than swallow the spermatozoa of the leader of the free world…and Hilldog; you want my vote for president? No, no, no.

So… answer the question; does it taste bad? Wait a second…do you even know what it tastes like? We as voters have a right to know. The questions aren’t going to get any easier! You think this is hard? Wait til the republicans have a go at cha; they are going to destroy you! Please don’t give them the chance; you know they have dirt on you. When they go diggin they’ll find Narnia has nothing on your closet!

I just don’t know. I don’t know why people like her. There… I said it. It’s the infidelity thing, isn’t it? Do you know how many women have had to pick up the pieces after some shit like that? If infidelity’s the case; then my momma should be President. Wait, can you still be President if you’ve been arrested for knocking a hick redneck off of a bar stool with a six pack of Budweiser? Well… maybe my momma can’t be President.

I mean people, c’mon, really… why do you like her? What has she ever done for you? Where the fuck was Hillary Clinton when we needed a fucking candidate four, even eight years ago? Twice you had the opportunity to save us… we would have voted for you each time. Obama would have voted for you. Where the fuck were you?

America voted a monkey in as president… twice! And now you have the audacity to attempt to take away the brightest beam of hope America could wish for. If you cared about this country at all you would step aside and support what we crave; what the world craves.

So, after all that, what did they do with Monica? Has anybody seen her? Is this fucked up or am I? I’ll admit it; we Americans are fuckin stupid. But one thing we do know… in the case of this Democratic race; it’s bro’s before hoe’s.

One more thing; I’d like to quote my dear Momma… “I wouldn’t vote for her… she’s Menopausal”. I’m Motiffa Jones

OSLO, NOR – A new ‘ultra edition’ vibrator with swivelling knob, and detachable gyrating thumb yesterday beat off a vast array of inventions at the International Science Invention Awards.

Among those inventions were a small portable desalination device that could help many in the world’s worst affected drought regions; a toothbrush that turns basic fillings into 18 carat gold caps; and a phone that doubles as a life support system. flaccid

KINGS CASTLE, ENG – A class of young eggs have been offered psychological help following a fable reading which described, in gory detail, the death of England’s most renowned egg Humpty Dumpty.

“I’ve been screaming in my sleep so loud the rest of the carton are starting to freak out!”

The Kings Castle Free Range Grammar School students were forced to endure the whole Humpty Dumpty fable, as told by relief teacher Mr Barnaby Laid, before being asked to submit a paper giving detailed reasons for the death; be it murder, suicide or a horrible accident.

Class dux Miss Jemima Carton was shocked by the incident, “It was horrible, because it was all so detailed. He described how, when Humpty cracked, white began to ‘seep out’ onto the sidewalk and into the gutter. And then he asked us to question how he died. Until now I thought it was just an accident…” Another student, Peter Poached, decided to take up the school offer of voluntary psychological assistance, claiming Mr Laid’s voice was still in his head, “It was so deep, and croaky it scared the fricken yoke out of me! I’ve been screaming in my sleep so loud the rest of the carton are starting to freak out!”

School principal Mr Frank Substitute was not available for comment, but released a statement not only indemnifying Mr Laid, but re-invigorating the whole Dumpty death debate:

“…We applaud our teacher for breaking from the curriculum set by our current right-wing cage laid, fascist governmental institutions, who for years have been trying to indoctrinate our young eggs with a false reality. We cannot and will not let Dumpty be forgotten…”

The government is yet to react to the statement, but an Oval Carton insider made it clear there would be repercussions: “The President is seriously pissed! He’ll be cracking shells open before the end of the week…” Mr Laid will continue to relieve at the school until further notice. flaccid

3-dimensional versions of Bam & Gumpy terrorise Hawaii

HAWAII, USA – After pleas from the US government, Bam & Gumpy; The Chosen Ones swung into action late Friday afternoon to face off against, and destroy the evil scourge of a seriously ugly giant version of themselves in the centre of Honolulu.

Using their powers of sarcasm, flatulence, and a hint of smug along with the latest in ‘sonic coolicity’ laser gun technology, they beat their wannabe 2D foes into submission; tea

ring each a new asshole, before putting both boots into each of the new and old asshole’s, and sending them back into the Pacific ocean.

“…It was awesome! If it wasn’t for Bam&Gumpy, beating those weird-ass freaks Hawaii would be neck high in fuck-ugliness right about now!” Stated an onlooker as she watched Bam&Gumpy fight off their distorted 3Dselves.

“If it wasn’t for Bam&Gumpy, beating those weird-ass freaks Hawaii would be neck high in fuck-ugliness right about now!”

Created by the Chosen Ones’ arch nemesis Dr G Colonfilling, using stolen samples of DNA from the ultra cool 2-dimensional Bam & Gumpy, and then spliced with 3-dimensional background characters; the clones were meant to mirror the masters of indifference… but a ‘drawing delay’ left them to fester on Graf Master Mick’s studio floor for three consecutive episodes; amongst the nuclear detritus of nasty-ass half eaten donuts, MDMA baggies, and an almost entire bottle of Pygmy brand quick grow…the result; massive fuck headed freak monsters!

Bam & Gumpy were unavailable for comment; however they did issue a statement confirming absolutely nothing. flaccid